Emily, will you accept this rose?

First, I want to say how fun my Monday nights have become. 

All my friends come together via Twitter and I just laugh and laugh. 

I even have real live people to watch with! 

Angela and Kate let me into their home and put up with my nonsense and I am forever grateful I am no longer giggling alone in my parents' house. 

Joe is my favorite new addition to the viewing party. 

Mainly because I strong armed him into watching it.

He resisted last season but now he's invested and overly attached to Emily:

My work here is done. 

Moving on to this week it is official:

I love Emily. 

Sure the dates she takes the guys on are kind of the pits but she is legit. 

I don't really understand her incessant need to wear ball gowns but again I like her. 

The first date this week was with Ryan. 

Here's the thing about Ryan. 

He's just a pretty face. 

I mean really pretty. 

But he is SLEAZY. 

When a guy says, "I'm thinking we're going to go on a hot air balloon ride or a helicopter," you should immediately become suspicious. 

I mean odds are he's probably right but you keep those as inside thoughts buddy. 

And joke was on him because Emily took him to her house to help make cookies and then go to Ricki's soccer game. 

I was starting to think she was having Ryan audition for the Babysitters Club and not a rose. 

My friend Angela was convinced he was taking the remaining juice boxes to Claudia's room for the next meeting. 

They had to have it at Claudia's because she had her own phone line. 

Duh.

Lauren then got this song in all of our heads:

He had a bunch of cheesy one liners and was clearly trying to be charming but I am NOT picking up what he's putting down. 

Well that's good ya jerk. You shouldn't. 

He also just seems dumb. 

Like super dumb. 

Like he signs his name with the R backwards.

Meanwhile back at the Cornucopia...

(That's what I'm calling the house. I can't stop with the Hunger Games references you guys. Love me through it.)

The guys seemed to be having some sort of pool party. 

No one had shirts on. 

Except for Doug. 

Which bums me out. 

Because I'm starting to have feelings for him. 

He's a muffin. 

Do I really think his son encouraged him to go on the show?

I do not. 

Is picturing a tiny kid thinking deeply about his father's future hilarious?

It is. 

Can't you just see a 6 year old cutting the crusts off his pb&j saying, 

"Father, I've been thinking. This Emily lass seems quite suitable as mother. You should court her."

I don't know why he became an 18th Century 6 year old but I'm going with it.

What I'm saying is, more Doug please. 

oh boy.

 The group date was long. 

The Muppets were there. 

Miss. Piggy was hilar. 

The usual. 

But let's focus on the most important part of that whole date. 

Charlie. 

When he told Emily he was having trouble speaking in front of people my heart began to break. 

I love him so much. 

It's already unhealthy. 

I mean seriously. 

I can't even make witty comments about it. 

All I know is that I want him to have a ceremony with me where we pledge our undying love for each other in front of Cupid while unicorns scamper around on rainbows with Celine Dion singing our wedding song, "Pony" by Ginuwine.

Maybe I've given it some thought.

 During the after party in the hotel lobby Kalon and Stevie got in a fight. 

Kalon tried several times to entice Emily with his Southern charm. 

He told her he was an 80 year old man trapped in a 26 year old's body. 

Funny he mentioned being trapped as he also has someone trapped in his basement.

No thanks. I'm all set.

She had a less than stellar one-on-one date with Joe where he demonstrated what a wet blanket he was. 

Later dude.

But don't worry the producers must have been really invested in the fireworks they purchased because even though Joe was sent packing they still let those bad boys off: 

Meanwhile Emily stared longingly at them in her ball gown. 

Typical date gone wrong happenings. 

At the rose ceremony Tony

or as I like to call him Danny Tanner

tried to sneak in and let Emily know that he too had a child. 

While I'm sure his tales of DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle's hijinx are riveting I'm not buying him as a sincere dude.

She gave a bunch of dudes roses that I didn't even know existed but made sure she gave the final rose to Stevie.

Because I mean look at him. 

He's 24, he insists on being called Stevie, and wears a newsboy hat stylishly cocked to the side, and his profession as a party MC provides ample career opportunities. 

I'm really looking forward to next week. 

Mainly because I'm hoping she gives Charlie a one-on-one date. 

And because Luke Bryan is making an appearance. 

My heart my stop next week from all of the cuteness.

Pray for me. 

I'm All In...

Since graduating I haven't had a whole lot going on. 

I've essentially just been reading and watching TV. 

Or going on casual lunches with my dad. 

we find ourselves to be highly entertaining...

or baiting my friends into text singing (it's a new craze) "Call Me Maybe" with me

Got him.

So you can imagine my excitement when I remembered that
"The Bachelorette" started again on Monday. 

After being so annoyed with Ben on "The Bachelor" my expectations were totally low. 

I don't know much about Emily except that she has a daughter named Ricki. 

I would be lying to you if I didn't silently chant, 

"Go Ricki! Go Ricki!" a la the Ricki Lake Show every time her name was mentioned. 

My initial thought is that Emily is nice and she has good hair. 

She bares no resemblance to an aardvark. 

All signs point to pleasant. 

I have a rule of not getting invested in any of the female contestants early on because a lot of them look the same and/or will end up being crazy eventually so I just wait it out. 

However, I find it much different with the men. 

Maybe it's because I put myself in Emily's shoes...because clearly we are very similar.

Maybe it's because the majority of them are incredibly attractive. 

I don't know but I'm all in on some of these guys already. 

Which can only lead to heart break. 

My absolute favorite from last night was Charlie: 

 But seriously. 

He's got a bulldog and suffered a traumatic brain injury. 

Marry me. 

When she gave him a rose last night I fist pumped into the air like I just won a wing eating contest.

Too much too soon Jones. 

I need to pump the brakes. 

I didn't see him in a lot of the previews for this season so I have a feeling that he will be back on the market soon enough and he and I and his precious bull dog can start our lives together. 

Let's move on to some of the other dudes that stood out. 

 Kalon, Douche Extraordinaire. 

He came in a helicopter. Which I was HOPING was going to be piloted by Ben or at least one of the other ladies from last season. 

It was very "Fifty Shades of Grey" and also gross.

  

Jef with one f. 

At first I was not a fan. He sells bottled water.

 For every bottle he sells he also gives one away for free to people in need. 

Dan & I were not having it. 

I have been trying to come up with a joke about him giving the other "f" in his name away. A kind of "Wheel of Fortune" type deal...but I have given up. Your suggestions are encouraged. 

Let's make this joke happen you guys! 

He ended up winning me over for just being adorable. So hopefully he sticks around. 

This guy with the egg

I was convinced the entire time a baby t-rex was going to hatch in her hands. 

The best part about that whole prop was that he had to carry it the entire rose ceremony. 

Ryan

There are no words. 

Just feelings. 

Thumb ring

I was glad to see him go. 

Doug

He's no Charlie but I don't hate it. He's got a kid so that helps his cause. He seems to be a crier which makes me a little nervous but I'm mildly invested. 

 Joe

Although he came in dancing like the WB Frog he is very cute and look forward to staring at his face for at least one more week. 

And just because here is the WB Frog:

 

and finally 

Stevie

He's a party MC so clearly he is prepared to help Emily raise her child. 

As well as rock the mic. 

Multifaceted. 

He's also the biggest gossip of all the guys. 

I believe he is the Jenna of this season. 

Fingers crossed he ends up crying in an abandoned room somewhere. 

Most of the introductions were extremely cheesy and painful.

Joe, although having committed to the season, grew concerned with his dating techniques. 

No buddy, you're not. 

Should be a good season.
I'm excited for it.

Can you believe...

That someone like me now has a Master's degree? 

They can't take it back now. 

I fooled them alllll. 

 I legitimately earned a degree of higher education and have been laughing at this gif for about 8.5 minutes:

Your future college students have me to look forward to. 

God help them. 

If you were my boyfriend...

So here's the deal.

I've been listening to that Justin Beiber song "Boyfriend" on repeat for about two weeks.

However, Sara, Joe & I sing "BOYFRANNNNN"

It spices it up.

At one point in the song J. Biebs says he would be my Buzz Lightyear and fly me around the globe.

I find that to be an extremely generous offer.

And Justin, I accept.

But listening to this song got me thinking: 
If Justin or anyone for that matter was my boyfran he should know some things about me.

So I made a list.
Sure most of these things are based primarily on what I've seen on TV and in movies but that is generally where a lot of my relationship knowledge stems.

Let's proceed.

Future boyfran please note the following:

Wait until you are 100% sure you're in love with me before you take me to a Mexican restaurant. What you will see there is truly disturbing. My eyes glaze over, I become very serious, I consistently monitor chip and salsa levels. I mean business. It's not always pretty.

 Don't be fooled by my sombrero...this is serious.


If we get in a fight and you want to win my love back do not wake me up by playing the same song over and over again thru a boom box lifted over your head. Although I will be impressed by your amazing upper body strength I will not appreciate being woken up. I really like sleeping. Like think of a bear hibernating...and then multiply that by 100. 

That's me.

 Uncalled for

If you write a song for me, and sing it to me in an intimate setting I will laugh. It can't be helped. I'm not proud of it but it gives me the creeps and I can't handle it. This goes for poems as well. I will however, accept you serenading me while I'm at soccer practice.

Encouraged

 

 If you ever get an inkling to buy me a wall. Do it. I'll love you forever. 

Best TV Couple Ever. 

 And finally I may ask you to lift me like we're in Dirty Dancing. I may beg you even. But no matter how hard I cry, or tell you it is my life long dream to recreate that magical movie moment, do not cave. We will not look like this:

Or this:

We will look like this and everything will then be ruined:

Tragic. But true. 

 

 Thank you and I look forward to our first date.

If I was in the Hunger Games...

As many of you know, I'm severely obsessed with "The Hunger Games."
It has taken me a solid 4 months to start reading again.
That is how much I'm in love with that series.

I have read books before that I've loved.
For instance, I was a pretty big Twilight fan.
I was never on a team though. Never bought a shirt.
But now:

I'm Team Peeta.
(If you tell me you're Team Gale, I immediately move to a shin kick position. I've gotten better at controlling it but I make no guarantees.)

And I have a shirt.

I first learned of "The Hunger Games" from one of my favorite blogs: Busy Bee Lauren.

She kept talking about her love of some dude named Peeta.

My first thoughts were:

I could get behind a book about hunger...as it is the cornerstone of my life. I love to eat.

I like pita bread...surely there is some correlation.

Turns out he was the boy with the bread.

Coincidence?

I think not.

When I started reading them I was floored.

I stayed in my room all over Christmas Break and read all three.

I have dreams about it.

I now talk about it all the time.

No but seriously all the time.

So much so that yesterday when they announced the new Katniss Barbie my friend Stef sent me the following tweet:

I'm in love, I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!

Sometimes I think what would happen if I was entered into "The Hunger Games."

Doesn't everybody?

No? Literally just me?

Let's proceed.

I'm not going to lie to you all. I'd die.

And real quick.

There isn't much I can do in terms of the woods.

I tried to show my friends in Philly how I could catch a squirrel for dinner.

It ended me just chasing it around a tree for inappropriate amount of time while they stood back and laughed at me.

Come on dude, you're making me look like a jerk.

I can't create a fire...

  

Nothing to see here guys, just warming up.

So I'd probably die warming my hands near one of the other tribute's...

I can't climb trees.

I clearly don't know how to hunt.

I certainly can't be quiet.

I like being around people.

I like napping whenever I want.

All of these things would contribute to my downfall but the biggest factor would be one thing and one thing only:

My love of Diet Pepsi.

I love it so much you guys.

Although I am dehydrated already because of my ungodly consumption, making me used to that sensation, it will be the literal death of me.

I know that the Game Makers would put a 24 pack of cans right near the Cornucopia and I know for a fact that I would run right for it.

If I didn't get stabbed or whatever before I got there I would definitely get hit running away with it.

I mean that junk is heavy.

Plus I'd probably just walk very quickly.

(I wouldn't want to shake the soda. It ruins it.)

If I did make it out of that opening alive I'd probably get shot down by someone late night, while I crack a can open.

I told one of my coworkers today about my imminent demise via DP and she told me I could use the box of cans as a shield.

I looked at her with cold eyes, and said:

"What if the cans got punctured. Then I still lose."

I mean sure I could probably get away with a few days of living in the arena based on a couple good days of jokes should I get in with the right crowd, but it's more likely there would be a canon shot and my face in the sky roughly 20 minutes after everything started.

Realizing that I'm a weak tribute I did go for a walk yesterday.

There were some really steep hills.

What I'm telling you all is:

I'm essentially Katniss now.

Ash-niss if you will.

I wanna be a cool blogger like mah friendsss

A lot of my favorite bloggers do totally random posts. Just their musings of the week. 

They are my favorite and because I like doing hood rat stuff with my friends I thought I'd do one of them too.

So here we go. 

First and foremost I want to let everyone know that I am fully engaging in the challenge issued by Ellen. She has encouraged people to participate in a Dance Dare. This is where you go and dance behind someone without them being noticed.

As many of you know I love a good photo bomb:

Not even babies are safe...

But I also love a good dance so this will be perfect. 

Emma Stone (my celebrity girl crush, besides Tina Fey and Kelly Clarkson) models the way that this truly should be done: 

Secondly, I'm starting a feud with Jennifer Love Hewitt. 

She publicly admitted that she wants to start dating Adam Levine. 

  Oh no she didn't...

It's on JLH. 

Party of Five? How about Party of NONE! 

(That was a. terrible and b. made no sense.)

Also I'm fully engaging in my tweet campaign once again for Adam. 

I wanted to be respectful since he was so happy with that harlot Anne V. 

But it's back on full force. 

Joe seems to be doubting me but I made things very clear:

It's on. 

I attended Wrestlmania at Valley Lanes Bowling Alley for the 2nd year in a row.

 

It's a palace. 

Even cooler Dan came up to watch it with us.

 Fully prepared.

We made a pact that we were going to go see it live next year.

 Heaven help New Jersey.

Finally this week I stumbled upon the most frightening thing on television. 

Abby Lee from "Dance Moms"

  Terrifying.

 (via)

She yells at these 7 to 10 year old girls so much I was at first a little confused. Was she was rehabilitating juvenile delinquents thru the art of dance?

She is not. 
She's just a real yelly lady. 

She told a 10 year old, "You're not 7 anymore you're 10, get it together."

She also makes them do extremely dark routines. 

Last week they did numbers where they were homeless, in jail, and I caught an episode where a solo number was centered around a girl being a runaway. 

My 10 year old dancer self would not have survived.

But alas I have become addicted to another crappy reality TV show,

and I gotta say: I don't hate it. 

So there you have it, dance dares, twitter wars/campaigns, wrestling, and dance moms. 

Big week in the life of Ashley A. Jones.