Oh Jones...

Stair Master

2012-02-14T14:55:00.000-05:00

What last week lacked in awesome, this week surely made up for it.

First Dan was back in the mix.

Which meant all was right with the world.

And my friend J revealed himself as a watcher as well.

Excellent!

This week was all about Courtney.

Which is why the show is so good.

The other girls are sweet and all about building long lasting relationships...with each other.

Snoozefest.

I love Kacie B and I'm glad she's sticking around.

Do I think she'll be a Bachelorette contestant at some point?

I do.

Why?

Because Courtney is going to win.

That broad is BANANAS.

She makes Ben so nervous that he literally does whatever she tells him too.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

First the girls were in Belize.

Super nice.

The first date of the night was with Lindzi with a "z"

On a helicopter.

I'm fairly certain that by the end of this season everyone will have their pilot's license.

This time they jumped out of the helicopter.

Lindzi was afraid of heights.
She took a leap...like she took a leap falling for Ben.

So many metaphors were happening that I think I blacked out.

They dove into this thing called "The Blue Hole" which made me giggle because I'm 9.

Then they started making out while treading water.

I've said this before but that sounds MISERABLE to me.

I would sink faster than Jack did in "Titanic."

The group date involved swimming with sharks.

F that noise.

I would have made sure I was busy that day.

I had a theory:

However,

the biggest part of the whole episode was really showing how much power Courtney has over Ben and the whole situation.

She continuously said that she wasn't sure if she would take Ben home to her family.

She also kept saying she didn't know if there was still a "spark."

Ben picked her for the 1:1 date and took her to a temple...with about a billion steps.

AKA my worst nightmare.

Here's how it would have gone had it been me on this date:

Ben: "We're going to climb these temple steps."

Me: "Um suck it."

I mean I DID conquer the Rocky steps while visiting Philly this weekend:

But there is no way in Hell I would climb those effing steps.

Dan was concerned about the date for other reasons:

Ben plays into her hands so easily.

He said he wants someone who is weird and unique.

Well, if by unique you mean someone capable of successfully hiding a body then Courtney is your girl.

Ben asked her why she wasn't friends with the other girls.

She said they were vanilla and boring.

Plus she had a lot of guy friends.

Please read:

The other women tried to let Ben know that she was bananas.

He pulled her aside AGAIN to talk to her.

She made weird baby voices and oddly chatted with her pina colada.

Apparently that was her just being adorable and "unique" because

even though the other women thought she was leaving

home girl is sticking around.

She skipped to get her rose and of course rubbed it all over her face.

The women were appalled.

The saga continues.

She's going to win people.

We need to start coming to terms with it.

Here's how I know I'm easily distracted

2012-02-09T12:45:00.001-05:00

As a lot of you know I work in the Career Center as an advisor.

I'm lucky enough to have a cube that faces a window that looks out on this real cool pine tree.

I stare at it a lot.

Sometimes during appointments.

Sometimes I stop talking to a student because I get so distracted by this one squirrel that is always hanging out in the same spot every day.

I named him Marvin.

I don't know why.

Yesterday it was snowing and Marvin was hanging out as per usual.

Double whammy on the distraction scale for me.

I was doing a resume review, and suddenly realized that I had stopped mid-sentence and hadn't said a word for a weird extended amount of time.

I did the most professional thing I could think of by telling the student:

"Sorry I blacked out for a minute...I was distracted by the....snow..."

Why that student let me continue on with their appointment is beyond me.

Today I was helping a student make another important life decision: changing their major.

I glanced outside and then did a double take because Marv was very still.

I'm not going to lie I thought my fictional pet was dead for a hot second.

Then I realized he was NAPPING.

Here he is:

It took all the will power I had not to point it out to the student and take a picture during their appointment but I was freaking out on the inside.

A SQUIRREL TAKING A NAP.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

THAT IS EFFING ADORABLE.

I didn't even know woodland creatures took breaks!

The rest of the student's appointment I kept side glancing at the tree to make sure he was still there.

I couldn't miss capturing this precious moment.

When they left I grabbed my phone and took pictures.

I then told my friend Steve what I had seen:

And that is exactly what I did.

You are welcome for the DUMBEST blog post I have ever written.

My first kiss went a little like this...

2012-02-07T15:05:00.003-05:00

Before I start I want to let you know something.

I'll do my best to not cry like this while I reveal my deepest darkest secret:

I kinda cheated on "The Bachelor" last night.

Only a little bit though you guys.

I watched some of "The Voice" on commercials.

There I said it.

It's out there.

Hopefully you can love me through it.

My viewing party looked a little like this:

I ate cake out of a cat cup.

While rocking a fancy side pony & TMNT shirt.

The ladies were in Panama this week.

Ben took my favorite Kacie B. on a 1:1 date.

To a deserted island.

You wanna know how they got there?

I'll give you a guess.

It rhymes with shmellicopter.

They had to take a boat, a ride on a dolphin fin, and then body surf into the actual date location I think because it seemed like the longest commute ever.

When they finally got there Ben revealed that he brought a machete.

Be still my heart.

They caught a fish in a net. Made out.

She got a rose.

Score.

Leading up to the group date Courtney said, "skinny dipping" about 48 times.

Because I don't know if you know this but she skinny dipped with Ben last week.

Everything that had water was a new place they could skinny dip according to her.

"That puddle over there...a great spot."

"That bird bath...could be naked in it no problem."

"The pool...too easy...but yes I'd be naked in it with Ben."

"I could stand next to this water fountain naked while Ben splashed me...naked."

I mean jeez girl. Act like ya been there before.

They took a boat

(so low rent)

to an abandoned island.

It could be my hillbilly roots shining thru but it totally looked like the beginning of an episode of

"Swamp People."

I thought about it for a second and then realized asking Courtney to hold any weapon was a bad idea.

They "stumbled" upon an island of natives and hung out with them for the day.

Coincidentally they had just enough traditional garb for everyone.

Including a loin cloth for Ben.

Naturally.

Courtney ran with the phrase "When in Rome..."

and went bikini-less when changing into her new gifts from the pretty awesome natives.

(But seriously they looked awesome)

I mean it was a smart move. But also a skank move.

I have a feeling she just got confused as she is probably used to taking off her shirt for beads:

It was so uncomfortable.

We get it.

You're in it to win it

and if you don't win it you're going to set the rest of the girls on fire.

But easy does it girlfriend.

Emily at one point tried to make amends with Courtney for being a nosey Nelly.

Courtney took it surprisingly well.

Just kidding she freaked out and told Emily she was officially an enemy.

At some point she also invited Ben back to her room later in the evening.

She waited for him as a thunder storm raged on in the backround.

She started talking about how she'd been hurt before and couldn't trust men.

My previous prediction that she was going to be a bunny boiler is about to come to fruition folks.

She is one step away from holding his grandma for ransom.

I just know it.

Blakeley and Rachel were the 2 on 1 date.

Which meant that someone had to go at the end.

Blakeley was PUMPED for the date.

She was excited to spend more time with Ben and didn't give a what what that she had to also spend time with Rachel.

The girls were gifted a dress for their Salsa dancing class.

Blakeley acted like she won a bag full of diamonds.

I made this comparison:

She also revealed to Ben her scrapbook she'd been making for him since day one:

Apparently that was just enough to say,

"Thanks but no thanks."

Good move.

Kasey S. was sent home for being in love with some dude named Michael back home.

It was so dumb.

I thought she had done a "Sister Sister" switcharoo or something.

Or had a secret kid.

Or a tail.

I would have accepted any of them.

At the rose ceremony Jamie, bless her heart, tried to kiss Ben.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

I could barely watch it.

I had to switch back and forth because my skin was on fire.

I was so so so embarassed for her.

She kept saying "Ben didn't know what's about to happen."

She then "coached" him on how the kiss was going to go.

I can't even...

It was just...

So...

Much...

Awkward....

I felt like Ricky Bobby:

It was so bad.

So she went home.

And will most likely be embarrassed for the rest of her life.

Poor thing.

Overall it was kind of an off week for the Bach.

I'm next week they reel me back in a little bit more because I gotta tell ya knowing that my boo Adam is on just a channel change away is real tempting.

Who are we kidding.

I'll tune in.

I can't quit Ben.

I don't know why this is happening to ME

2012-02-06T12:02:00.001-05:00

As many of you know I have a deep love for Adam Levine.

Taken before the restraining order...

So when I heard "The Voice" was coming back I freaked out.

Naturally I watched its premiere last night and was excited to hear that it was going to be on tonight as well.

However, those punks made it for the same time as "The Bachelor."

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

I'm angry.

Real angry.

Sure I can watch it online but I won't catch moments like this in real time:

I mean...he's the coolest.

I don't understand why the world has dealt me this hand.

Last week I lost my tater tots in an unfortunate "left my groceries in the car over night" accident.

Now "The Voice" is on the wrong night?!

WHY ME?

WHO IS GOING TO YELL AT CHRISTINA AGUILERA IN ALL CAPS ON TWITTER FOR MAKING FUN OF ADAM?

(Which she totally did last night by calling him a Justin Timberlake wannabe.

To which I had a rational reaction that I shared with Sara via text:

"SHE IS A STUPID BLONDE MEATBALL & I HATE HER.")

Well...that will probably still be me...just a day late.

But seriously:

WAH.

If you click the picture she moves...

Naked Gets A Rose...

2012-01-31T16:51:00.003-05:00

Last night I was real tired.

The kind of tired where going to bed at 7:30 seemed acceptable.

Then I remembered:

PEOPLE ARE GETTING NAKED ON THE BACHELOR.

So I changed into Bach uniform:

sweats, t-shirt, robe, ponytail & glasses.

You may be thinking, "but Jones isn't that also your Hoarders, Storage Wars, 30 Rock, Lifetime Movie marathon uniform too?"

No silly goose.

I don't wear a robe when I watch those shows.

As I settled in I was pretty confident in my fantasy team:

My bonus pick (who was gonna get the boot) was Elyse.

I was still pretty confused about who she was and why she was still there.

I picked my girl Kacie (duh.) and Jamie & Jennifer because they had been some of his favorites.

Especially Jennifer.

Honestly she was becoming my solid second choice.

Which was a conflict of interest for me because her fake red hair still qualified her as a Ging...and they make me nervous.

(Kidding...kind of.)

Moving on...

I've decided that my favorite part of the show is the 3 seconds that Chirs Harrison shows up to give the girls the 411 about the next few days.

He can not get out of there fast enough.

It cracks me up:

"Yo girls. We're in Puerto Rico, everyone gets a date, blah blah blah, roses, stuff, things, blah blah. Imma go get a tan. Later skanks."

The first date of the episode started with Ben and Nikki.

Naturally he picked her up in his helicopter.

Those girls are going to be real disappointed when he rolls up to their house in his 2008 Jetta for the rest of their real dating lives.

But whatever.

I digress.

This date...

I'll tell you what.

First they end up sitting outside a church watching a wedding while they talk about Nikki's divorce.

Then it starts to rain while they're eating churros.

How unplanned & romantic.

So they ran for shelter, couldn't find anything, and ended up making out in the rain.

If that sounds familiar it's because it's how every Taylor Swift song begins.

Because they were soaked the had to go get new outfits.

This is what Ben chose:

I mean I don't know why he's held out for so long to tell us he was heir to the KFC throne.

Not to mention that the rain made his bangs frizz out.

If I were Nikki I would have asked for a rain check.

(Get it...because it rained? No? Just me? Is this thing on?)

But bing bang boom the date went well she's still around.

Hopefully Ben's outfit is not.

The next date was a group date full of baseball and stress.

The girls played against each other and were really good.

I was getting legitmately nervous about the whole thing.

Mainly because I wanted Kacie B to get to go to the fun after party with Ben.

And to see what Courtney was going to do.

To say I wasn't sitting on the edge of my seat like it was the World Series would be a lie.

Because I was.

I might have yelled, "GET IT TOGETHER GIRLS F."

I can neither confirm or deny.

Kacie and crew won.

You know what picked them up from the field?

That's right Dan.

Another Helicopter.

The other girls had to take a bus back to the hotel like a bunch of losers.

When the winning team went back to the resort to have the rest of their group date with Ben Courtney planted the seed to skinny dip by whispering sweet nothings into his ear.

Ben was like,

"Ha ha ...um...yes please? I mean no. I can't. I'm busy. Naked. Boobs. What? Sorry my mom's calling me..hang on. CHRIS? I NEED AN ADULT."

He was real smooth about it.

He ended up giving my #1 fav Kacie B the rose guarenteeing her a spot next week.

Excellent.

However, Courtney couldn't resist a good dig at her expense.

She said Kacie was too young and unexperienced. Ben needed someone more.

Because after having gone to the Golden Globes, and Puerto Rico twice...she's well traveled & precisely what Ben is looking for.

Ben's date with Elyse was next and it was bad from the start.

#1. If your first date with the dude is 4 weeks in he doesn't like you too much. He just forgot you were there.

#2. Don't tell a dude you're just tired of being single.

#3. Telling a guy you've only been on ONE date with that you think your FIRST date should involve getting married will only lead to pain.

Being that their date was on a boat I had a million "Titanic" jokes I wanted to make.

Dan sent me the following link:

Precisely.

After their dinner conversation Ben sent her on a tug boat back to the big boat and peaced out.

Poor thing...

Hopefully a cab picked her up and brought her immediately back to her natural habitat:

The Jersey Shore.

When he got back to the hotel Courtney was there waiting for him.

And "convinced" Ben to go skinny dipping.

They stripped down and she threw her cute little training bra into the wind and it was flirty.

And I was pissed.

Not because she was skankin' it up.

Because she threw her bra and it looked cute and dainty.

My bras could be attached to a sailboat and bring it thru a storm.

There is no de-clothing that would make me look remotely attractive.

And for that I hate her even more.

After the whole shabang,

Whoretney said,

"I think I'm winning."

I'm not an expert but:

Paper covers rock.

Rock beats scissors.

NAKED GETS A ROSE.

DUH YOU'RE WINNING.

Dan said it best:

The end of the night was a little surprising because he ended up sending Jennifer home.

Ugh.

She was also an uglier crier than Kim Kardashian.

I didn't now that was really possible.

The previews for the next few weeks have helicopters and crying so it looks like the season is going to carry on with its awesome self.

I will now leave you with two things:

1. This hilarious video:

2. This picture that Dan sent me earlier this afternoon:

You're welcome.

THANKS FOR NOTHING SEACREST

2012-01-30T00:10:00.003-05:00

Tonight was the season finale of Kourtney & Kim Take New York.

I've watched the show all season.

Waiting.

Just waiting for the final blow up.

The only really shocking thing of the entire episode was realizing that I agreed with Kris Humphries.

Kris and Kim were fighting over closet space in her palatial LA home.

She claimed there was no room.

He said she was being awful.

I agreed:

Kris was right one time.

That's all I'll give him credit for.

Now Joe will never let me live it down, because he is firmly back on Kris's side.

The battle never ends.

After all the crying, ghost whispering, and passive aggressive fighting I thought it was all coming down to the big shabang.

And you know what?

THEY DIDN'T EVEN SHOW THE EFFING BREAK UP.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO SHOW US THEM FILMING AN EPISODE OF DIVORCE COURT.

OR RETURNING WEDDING GIFTS.

OR ACTUALLY YELLING:

"I WANT A DIVORCE."

We got nothing.

Well that's not true.
We got strung along for 3 months with the promise that we would see it all end.

Which I think as a collective audience we deserve after devoting 4 hours to the wedding special and an hour every Sunday to their lives.

(Was that just me?)

Instead we just had Kris trolling around the house looking for Kim while carrying the baby like it was a bag of chips he found on top of the fridge.

My friend Lauren tweeted what I truly believe Kris thought in that moment:

I mean carrying Mason with him to find his crying wife is a good move.

The kid is cute.

Plus he has an iPad.

(I have a Kindle Fire...do you think he'd still be friends with me?)

In hindsight I should have just checked out like Joey:

I'm ready for Khloe & Lamar.

They are adorable.

Joe's not taking it so well.

He really thought those two crazy kids were gonna make it.

Joe also wants to campaign for Kris to be the next Bachelor.

If that EVER happens I will never even turn my TV to ABC again.

Which is extremely unfortunate because that is a channel where a lot of my stories come on.

I feel so used.

I got wrapped up in this fairytale and now I'm just not myself anymore.

I think I'll go put on non-waterproof mascara and cry about it

until someone comes and checks on me.

Pugs not Drugs

2012-01-27T00:40:00.000-05:00

In just about every other blog post I talk about my best friend Sara.

We had the same interview day for our grad program, got into the same school, made a pact to run a 5k together, and the rest is history.

Typical love story.

Now we work together for our graduate assistantship:

Bring us your resumes and cover letters...we're real good at fixin' them up right.

We pretty much do everything together.

We also prank people a lot.

It's kind of our thing.

Today I sent Sara a story about a reddit user who pranked his little cousin by sending him continuous updates from a "Cat Facts" autobot.

It went something like this:

Source

We immediately thought we would prank our friend Shelly who we work with.
She knew it was us right away.

Mainly because I had posted it on Facebook earlier in the day.
(I'm not the brightest)

So we waited and we plotted and we came up with our next victim:
Sara's cousin/best friend & my buddy
Rachel:

She loves pugs.
Loves them.
Even owns two.

So we had our subject and our victim.
Excellent.

Seeing as our first attempt had failed so miserably we were certain we'd have the same result.
However, about 3 minutes after we sent it from our new alias Rachel posted the following on her Facebook:

We were in.
We soldiered on.

Did it make sense?
No.
Did it make us die laughing.
YUP!

We proceeded:

Finally when we couldn't breath from laughing we decided to reveal ourselves.
The three of us truly treasure the "Honey Badger"
so we felt this would be our best tell:

Was it a mature way to spend a Thursday night?
No.

Was it incredibly fun?
Sure was.

Also in case you were wondering here's what the process is for a pug to write their local representative:

The end.

Make me a bicycle clown

2012-01-26T00:40:00.003-05:00

I don't know if you know this about me but

I'm a little scatter brained.

Putting me in a classroom is kindddd of a disaster.

Starting in good ole kindergarten I got in trouble for talking ALL THE TIME.

It is customary for all professional talkers to show your opponent all of your teeth.

Shocking to all of you.

I know.

What I found helped me become less of a menace was for me to doodle during class.

I participated more, stopped asking to braid the hair of the kid sitting next to me, the usual.

Teachers seemed to love it.

I was finally quiet.

When I got to High School I started decorating my friends agenda books with various designs and things.

My number one request for birthdays, Christmas, and random Tuesdays were gel pens, roller gel pens, colored pencils, markers, etc.

I had to keep my doodle hustle strong.

When I got to college I had to explain that I wasn't drawing to hold off my hangover,

and although they were suspicious at first, my professors and bosses let it happen.

The pattern has continued into grad school.

My supervisor immediately sent me the following video when she saw my habit

and told me she supported my endeavors.

She's pretty much the best.

This drawn out (ha...pun intended) story has a purpose. We're almost there I promise.

I usually would just throw away whatever I drew when a class or meeting was over.

One day my best friend Sara

finally had enough and said,

"STOP THROWING THOSE AWAY. IF YOU AREN'T GONNA KEEP THEM I WILL."

I said "Dang. Ok."

So I handed over my most recent project.

Animals as famous musicians/actors:

LIONel Richie

Tim McCrawfish

Ryan Gosling....get it because baby geese are called goslings?

Vanilla Mice

Justin Beaver

The other day I turned Harry Potter characters into animals.

(That's kind of my thing I guess):

Hippo Potter

Hermione Hermit Crab

Ron WEASELy

Bahhhhagrid

(He's a sheep)

These gems got Sara thinking & I gotta say I love what she came up with.

Every class/meeting/event we attend where I have to pay attention she's going to give me a prompt of something I have to doodle.

Today I did my first two which I will share with you now.

My first prompt was

"Mexican Food performing a show"

The result:

"Little Orphan Mannie"

This scene portrays Mannie meeting his fake parents

Chim, a Chimichanga

Tori, a Tortilla Chip

In this scene

Mannie is shocked that his real parents have shown up out of the blue, because he thought his parent were killed in an unfortunate salsa incident.

When I was done with that and took a break,

I was given my second and final prompt of the day:

"Teapots on Vacation."

Challenge accepted.

I changed it to

"Angry Tea Pots on Vacation"

This family of tea pots went to Disney World to stay with their old friend Mrs. Potts.

They toured the park and were disgusted when they stumbled upon the tea cup ride.

How dare they mix business with pleasure.

Moral of the story?

I'm really weird.

If you like these bad boys I'll share them with you all the time.

If you'd rather never have to see these again,

I also understand.

Your thoughts?

Sleeping with the fishes

2012-01-24T12:53:00.003-05:00

Well I've either stooped to a new low or reached a new high because this week I have started a "Fantasy Bachelor" team.

My friend Carly told me about it and now Dan is in on the action.
I'm so excited.

Now onto the episode.

This week's episode of "The Bachelor" was .....a lot.

Some things remain the same.

Ben has bangs.

Ben needs a hair straightener.

Blah blah blah.

Ben took the ladies to Salt Lake City.
Chris informed the ladies of the following:

(J/K)

After they were shown their living arrangements the drama began.
What I've noticed is that Ben takes these girls to REALLY secluded areas.

First he took Rachel (by helicopter) to a quiet spot on in the mountains so they could canoe and have a picnic & the most awkward date ever.

If the only thing a guy could come up with during a full minute of silence while staring at you is

"Oh and over there is a beaver dam..."

You should probably just call your helicopter and tell him you're ready to be picked up.

Although the presence of a woodland creature probably would have made the occasion much more enjoyable for both of them.

Then he took the red head, (Jennifer?), to some crater (yes an actual crater)

where they dove into the abyss.

Then made out while treading water.

To me both of those things do not sound romantic.

They sound tiring and stressful.

Call me old fashioned.

The group date is when things got really interesting. Ben took the girls horse back riding and fly fishing.

For some reason everyone knew how to ride a horse without a farm attendant guiding them.

It was impressive.

When the women found out they were fly fishing things got real.

They were fishing like Ben was going to leave them out in the wilderness to fend for themselves.
It made me wonder:

Of course all the women were hoping that a river shark was going to swim by and eat Courtney.

It didn't happen.

What did happen was that she was the first one to catch a fish.

Of course she used her baby voice and was "adorable to Ben."

Meanwhile Kacie B was becoming a little unhinged.

That stressed me out more than Courtney's murderous glances at the other women.

I need her to remain sane as she is the one that I see going all the way to the end.

She did end up coming around and having a good conversation with Ben.

I was certain she was going to get the rose during the date.

But Courtney threw a hissy fit which made Ben feel bad for her thus giving her the rose.

That girl is a genius.

Ben is falling right into her trap.

It.is.fascinating.

Something else happened this episode that was confusing.

I felt that women who I'd never seen before were showing up.

First it was a

girl named Samantha (who?) that said that she wanted alone time with Ben.

She also said that she should already have a ring on her finger because they had such a connection.

Dan & I had the same reactions:

Ben was also confused by who she was, because he said

"Thanks but no thanks" and sent her packing.

Later on in the night he gave a rose to Elise.

Maybe they're just filler dates?

I'm expecting him to give a rose to like a dude hanging out by the craft services table next.

At the ~~award~~ rose ceremony a "meow down" as ABC called it, occured between Courtney and Emily.

Emily tried to clue Ben in on C-Money.

He was not having it.

Word got back to Courtney and I'm fairly certain Emily became a missing person after filming.

She not only told Emily to "watch herself":

But she also rubbed that damn rose all over her face again.

Apparently the rose rub is a thing that is sweeping the nation because I got the following text message from my little:

Courtney also kept saying,

"I'm a really nice person..."

which was followed by

"I just want to rip her head off and verbally assault her."

I couldddd be wrong but that isn't usually considered nice.

Dan was also concerned:

At the end of the day he said good-bye to Monica:

At the end of the episode Ben told the women that he was taking them to Puerto Rico.

Most of the women acted like they were on an "Oprah's Favorite Things" episode.

Courtney on the other hand said, "I was there two months ago."

She is the Gretchen Weiners of this show.

I can't wait to see what happens next week.

She goes skinny dipping with Ben.

SKINNY DIPPING.

It's getting real folks.

It is getting reallllllllllllll.

Listen here Cupid

2012-01-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

I've always been hesitant to admit this but here is my confession:

I online date.

Well kind of.

I'm on OKCupid (a free dating site) and been on a couple dates.

(Literally 2)

It is prettttty evident through this blog that I am a total awkward monster.

For instance one date I forgot my purse.

But brought everything that goes inside of it.

That's right I carried my phone, keys, & wallet in.

I looked like a crazy person.

Both my hands were full thus making any type of greeting weird.

Carrying it in a hobo sack would have been more attractive.

Not to mention my stuff kept falling off the booth onto the floor causing me to do that awkward reach where only one eye is showing over the table.

For some reason things haven't worked out.

Clearly I have the grace of a princess so I'm not sure why.

The Cupid has this thing called "Quick Match."

You go through these people's profiles...quickly...and rate them.

If you give someone 4 or 5 stars they get notified and if someone gives YOU 4 or 5 stars you also get notified.

Simple enough.

When someone "chooses" you it's a pretty awesome feeling.

Until the day comes where you wake up with a notification of a Quick Match

and the guy that chose you is dressed as a ninja.

This is what my life has become.

A real life version of "Karate Kid."

I'm one cat away from throwing in the towel.

One

Cat

Away

I would like to thank...

2012-01-19T00:41:00.001-05:00

I think I have expressed this before but let me repeat:

I.love.award.shows.

Barb & I have a tradish of ordering Chinese food and watching

all the events from their arrivals to the final credits.

It's glamorous.

Since I've been in Harrisonburg I've had to continue this on my own.

Trust that I don't wait for this day only to eat Chinese food alone in my basement.

THAT happens frequently.

So frequently in fact that

this year without Barb I ate pizza while yelling at the red carpet.

If that doesn't paint a picture of a future American sweetheart I don't know what will.

Also I would like to clarify that I was yelling at the red carpet presentation on E!

Not at a red carpet I rolled out to feel fancy and then scream obscenities to when all the breadsticks were gone.

This year's Golden Globes was super entertaining.

How can an event go wrong when Tina Fey photo bombs on live TV?

(Thank you Molly for this gem. Side note: Check out her blog it's fantastic.)

There were many notable moments but the one that really stood out to me was Madonna's TERRIBLE acceptance speech.

She is truly the pits.

Speaking of pits.

Her arms are insane.

She also held her award like it was a shake weight:

She said "MYYYYY MOVIE" approximately a million times.

That's a rough estimate.

She was really just...douchey.

I told Joe how annoyed I was and he suggested

that I write what my own acceptance speech would sound like.

So here it is:

Naturally I would be nominated for Best Actress in a Drama or Mini Series for my gritty portrayal of Rosie O'Donnell's rise to fame.

"Bed Rocked"

It would be produced by Joe because he also helped come up with the title.

I'd have to give him rights to it and money.

He has a list of demands.

Anyway...

When they read my name as of nominees I would look like this:

(Yes I would probably be wearing a Piggly Wiggly shirt. As a shout out to my bff Sara L. who purchased it for me on my 25th birthday)

Then when they finally called my name, telling me I had won over Helen Mirren, Kate Winslet, and that fake wench Angelina Jolie, my reaction would be as such:

When I got on stage I would most likely do a bow:

Followed by wiping my imaginary tears (read: sweat) away:

I would do my best not to look like this:

And then would go into the following speech:

"I would like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press for this great award.

It has always been my dream to avenge Jennifer Aniston and I believe that by winning this I in some way have stuck it to you Jolie.

#peopledon'tforget

Secondly I'd like to thank my beautiful brother husbands:

Adam, George, Ryan, Jake, & Leo.

They said we'd never make this work but look at us now.
I wouldn't trade our love and communal compound for anything else.

Barb & Tim, thank you for being my support system.

Barb thank you for suggesting I get that horrible mullet hair cut when I was 10.

And Tim thank you for allowing me to wear your BIG DOG t-shirts, wind pants, and encouraging me to purchase several pairs of CROCS.

Because of that horrible life choice, I was able to identify with Rosie's style for the majority of her career.

To my friends you know that I love you.

To adopted sea lion and baby white tiger, 'Mama loves you."

And to my fans thank you for supporting me from my beginnings as the girl who ate in every scene of her season of "The Bachelor" to now, as a rough and tumble Rosie O who fought John Goodman for the last donut on the set of "The Flinstones."

You keep me humble."

Then I would walk in the wrong direction on purpose so the award girl would have to wrangle me to the correct side like a rodeo clown and I would begin my night of photo bombing other winners and stealing all of the good food out of everyone's swag bags.

Four Dates and a Funeral....Parlor Attendant....No? Too Much?

2012-01-17T13:45:00.002-05:00

This past week big things have been happening in my life.

I cooked chicken for the first time ever.

Like ever.

In my life.

I have an unnatural fear of eating fatty gross chicken.

So you can imagine my fear of actually cooking it.

I captured my reaction:

But alas it all worked out and I made homemade buffalo chicken.

I haven't died yet so YAY!

The other big thing happening in my life....

Joe admitted that I was in fact right about Kris Humphries.

Yep. Last night's episode of Kim & Kourtney finally did him in and he is now against the Humph.

So with those two solid wins in my pocket I think it's time to move on to one of the new highlights in my week:

The Bachelor!

I have to admit I missed the first hour.

I had a meeting and checked my watch every 30 seconds to see how much of this gem I was missing.

Let's be honest I was panicking.

When I finally got home and body checked my roommate into the wall to get to the TV, it turned out the crazy was just getting started.

My buddy Dan & I tweet during the episode so we had the following exchange:

I asked him to fill me in on what I missed:

Excellent.

I was all caught up.

I would like to touch on a few things:

I'm still not over Ben's hair.

I feel like this is the time in the show that women start stealing locks of the dude's mane for their hair doll family but perhaps these ladies are just taking it slow.

However I don't hate this picture of him.

I'm not an expert but I don't think you normally ski with your shirt off but whatever.
Do your thing Ben.

I'm also grossed out by Ben's compliments.

Last night he told a girl that she was the best kisser out of all of them.

She acted like he had proposed to her.

I took it as this:

I don't really want my potential future boyfriend to be able to compare my kissing talents to those that are 30 feet away from me and prepared to murder my family should they not receive a rose.

Then to add to the madness some biddy from another season Chantel arrived.

Apparently she is a funeral home director.

The girls did not like her at all.

They were livid.

They were acting like Chantel punch a pack of orphans in the face, while simultaneously taking their lunch money.

Maybe she did.

I didn't watch her season.

Dan captured it best:

Ben on the other hand was all about it for a minute.

Chantel tried to play it cool and act like it didn't matter if she got chosen or not.

I figured she was going to pull this card:

But she didn't.

Which was disappointing.

The women on the other hand were losing their minds.

They kept saying things like:

"THE BEN I KNOW WOULD NEVER GIVE THAT HARLOT A ROSE."

"I'M LEAVING IF SHE GETS A ROSE TOO."

"THIS ISN'T FAIR TO THE GIRLS WHO HAVE LEFT BEFORE."

"I LOVE BEN MORE THAN SHE DOES."

Which brings me to my next point.

How do you think you're falling in love with someone after three dates?

I can see falling in love with a sandwich in 3 minutes.

Because that has happened to me.

But falling in love with a dude after you've been on two group dates and had a moment of eye contact during the elimination night doesn't really constitute love.

Perhaps I'm just being a scrooge and not embracing the fairytale.

Taylor Swift would be so disappointed in me.

Without Jenna there I was upset. I missed that crazy little nugget.

Sure women were suddenly transforming into tributes from the "Hunger Games"

(yep...Hunger Games reference...you're welcome.)

But not really Jenna style.

Then they showed Courtney started to sprout her crazy horns.

She did not let me down.

The first stop on the crazy train involved her asking Ben to show him around the house he was staying in.

She was so insanely creepy.

She also dropped the "we would have cute babies," comment.

Ben didn't jump off the balcony like I thought he would.

The episode was full of surprises.

Fun fact about Courtney:

She used to date Jesse Metcalfe

There's something else about Courtney that weirds me out.

Whenever she gets a rose she smells it and rubs it all over her face.

Other girls just take them and probably dry them out to put in a locket or something but she uses that rose like it is face lotion and I don't like it.

In the previews for the other episodes she really seems to come unhinged and I can't wait.

I think she's in it to win it.

Dan said it best:

Precisely.

It ended with Ben picking my favorite Kacie so I was pleased.

I didn't care if he picked Chantel or not.

However he through the women into a tail spin when he decided to let the the 3 remaining contestants go.

One girl passed out.

Another girl acted like her house was on fire.

Chantel threw her hair into a side pony and let her mascara run down her face.

I think my favorite part of the episodes is watching the women transform into monster criers.

It's when their real self comes out.

They start babbling about how in love they were and how he made a mistake.

I'm not saying I wouldn't do the same thing.

I'd probably turn the nearest table over a la Teresa:

Either that or eat a super sized fry on camera while crying about not understanding why I wasn't good enough.

It could go either way.

Crying in new venues...

2012-01-10T00:59:00.001-05:00

Today was an exciting day.

It was the last first day of grad classes.

In 114 days I will be a Master.....of education.

In preparation I have made my ringtone the following:

which of course makes me think of this:

BUT it was also the second episode of "The Bachelor."

I didn't know how it was gonna go.

Well I knew it was going to be crazy but was pleased to see just how quickly it escalated.

I would first like to address the following:

Ben...your hair....woof.

Maybe he's rushed...

Maybe he's stressed out, thus causing him to sweat, causing his hair to then poof like a lion's mane.

I can't be sure, but somebody needs to either

shave it

or tame that beast because I can't take him seriously.

The whole time I'm mumbling suggestions to him like he can hear me.

It sounds like this:

"Jesus Ben, put on a hat."

"Seriously dude? Pull it back in a half up pony."

"F at this point make it a side pony."

"Ben if you don't do something with your 'fro a girl is going to crop a lock of for a hair doll and you're going to look EVEN WORSE."

"CHRIS HARRISON SHAVE HIS HEAD. WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT GOING ON?!"

It gets loud.

I should apologize to my roommate.

If it doesn't improve I'm going to tweet him.

Because I follow him now:

I also got attached to my first contestant.

Kacie.

She went on what was first sweet and then remarkably depressing one on one date with Ben.

She showed him a hidden talent:

Baton twirling.

Sure I now have diabetes from how sickeningly sweet the whole situation was but they really seemed to be having fun.

He then took her to an empty theater where they began to watch home videos of Kaycee.

My friend Carly texted me the following:

"What kind of stalker move is this?"

I giggled and agreed.

If a guy took me on a date and surprised me with home videos of myself he'd probably get up and leave.

The majority of my home videos are me singing the hits of The Judds to my stuffed animals

and displaying my pure strength by lifting my Fisher Price kitchen set in the air.

Riveting pieces of footage.

They then show his tapes and talk about his father who passed on.

Then they end up making out.

I don't really get how those two things go together but somehow ABC made it happen.

Later he takes 11 of the girls on a group date.

These girls were in it to win it.

I couldn't handle a group date.

The date consisted of them acting out characters for a group of children who had written a play the women and Ben would be performing later in the evening.

Let me tell you something.

One of those kids was pervy.

One of the contestants, Blakely forgot to put on clothes.

Well that's what I thought.

It turns out she was wearing something called a romper.

As a woman of the cushy persuasion I don't know where you purchase those but that's what google told me it was and I believe him.

(To me google is a dude.)

That's when Perv Jr. yelled out to this essentially naked adult,

"RUN IN SLOW MOTION."

Maybe Ben slipped him $5 to ask her that, but I'm pretty sure he was working as a solo unit.

The play went off without a hitch.

And I'm pretty sure Blakely ended up giving that kid her number.

Sure, Blakely is becoming a little nuts.

She got a rose early but still kept showing up during the other girls alone time.

It seemed like the producers of the show want everyone to think that she is Commander Crazy, and sure she did cower behind luggage to cry, (a change of venue from the bathroom which I respect) but she bores me.

This is because of one reason and one reason only: Courtney.

My friend Dan and I tweet throughout the show

& he said the following ever so wisely:

She is the kind of crazy guys don't spot right away.

She lurks.

She seems fragile yet strong at the same time.

She mentions trust issues but that you could be the one to change that.

Then creepy comments start getting dropped and you think

"Nah...I'm just over analyzing it..."

& then one day your gas tank is full of sand because you looked at her friend for too long and she knows your cheating on her.

I'm concerned that Ben felt so comfortable as to take her on a date in the middle of a vineyard and to introduce her to his adorable dog.

No but seriously he's adorable. He looks like Wishbone. The whole time I just kept wishing he was wearing this:

Sadly that did not go with the theme of the evening.

When she finally starts to unhinge and lose it (because we all know she will) I hope it's at a rose ceremony and not when Ben's near a ledge because I have a feeling she'll use force.

As the episode wore on I noticed two things:

No really... I was...

But also there was a certain someone I was missing:

WHERE WAS THAT CRAZY BROAD?

I hadn't seen her all episode.

And then it was like she heard me.

She had a break down like no other.

She told Ben she wasn't like other girls.

She was a guy.

I could be wrong but

that's something you usually tell someone on the first date.

Turns out she is in fact a woman but got tripped up on her words again.

She was distraught and then came the tears.

It turned out to be the missing piece to the whole episode.

Always wanting to be original she avoided the bathroom and corner of luggage to cry in and threw herself on a bed upstairs to cry on.

Ben had to come find her and pull her out like she was a small child.

It was awesome.

Dan couldn't have said it better:

When the rose ceremony came she was visibly upset.

Dan noticed her shaking and was hoping that she would morph into this:

Alas she did not.

She did cry some more and was shocked that she didn't make it.

SHE'S ALWAYS LOOK FOR LOVE YOU GUYS AND SHE NEVER FINDS IT.

While that is sad, I hope she blogs about it or gets a spin off because she will truly be missed.

She was a fun crazy.

A crazy that could be tamed should a good friend sit her down and tell her to knock it off.

That leaves us now with the true looney tunes.

I'm scared. And excited.

Dare I say it...

I love this season of "The Bachelor."

Well Chris Harrison...

2012-01-04T02:00:00.000-05:00

I've been roped into "The Bachelor"

I have gotten sucked in before and gotten really attached to the couples.

Ali and Roberto were my latest loves and look what happened.

Kaput.

So why I am putting myself through this for another season I don't know.

Ok, yes I do.

I love reality TV more than is healthy.

Here are my thoughts on the first episode:

Ben is awkward & I think I like it

I feel like he was on camera for a total of about 15 mins the entire two hours as most the episode was focused on the banana sandwiches, aka his future girlfriends.

But he seems sweet.

Looking at pictures of him he has some weird hair choices but I'm willing to look past that.

We all make mistakes:

I'm interested to see how he goes throughout the season.

I'm hoping he doesn't keep a Vienna type girl a la Jake Pavelka.

However, I have a feeling that it will happen and I will rage accordingly.

I want to warn you that I haven't yet memorized the ladies names nor committed to their faces because I don't like getting attached and then watching them leave the first night.
It hurts too much...I'm fragile.

In subsequent posts I promise to do better, but for now here is my general overview of these harlots.

There doesn't seem to be just ONE bunny boiler this season.

There are several women that would fake a pregnancy to keep a guy, and that concerns me for precious Ben.

My first inkling of the crazy, was the reaction that the women gave when Chris Harrison brought in the "First Impression Rose"

The ladies acted like that flower was the ticket to getting them a baby unicorn.

Their shifty eyes and drool made me a little concerned for Ben's safety:

The next clue that many of these women would shank in old lady should they mention any attraction to their significant other, was when the women LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE GOING TO SHANK AN OLD LADY FOR SAYING SHE LIKED BEN.

To clarify one of the contestants brought her grandmother with her.

Smart move if you ask me.

She was adorable & the approach was handled well.

It could have gotten creepy quick, but I thought it was sincere and decided I liked her.

When the grandma and contestant entered the room full of other hopefuls,

you would have thought both of them came in threatening a knife fight.

Everyone was so preoccupied with the elderly coming in their window and snatching their mens up that no one was paying attention to the crazy hurricane, Jenna.

(She's the only contestant I do remember because her crazy was that monumental)

She spent most of the night crying in this bathroom...

Apparently one of the girls began to taunt Jenna making her question why someone didn't like her so early in the game.

Jenna did warn us that she did over analyze at the beginning of the episode.

So much so that she has a whole blog dedicated to it.

No but seriously, it's called theoveranalyst.net.

One doesn't need to over analyze that she can't hold her booze but she also doesn't know how to interact with..........anyone.

At one point she approached her bully and said,

"Maybe one day we could share a tampon."

My response:

She then awkwardly cornered Ben telling him how overwhelmed she was.
He kindly patted her on the hand.

If I had been him I would have said,
"YOU'RE OVERWHELMED!? DO YOU SEE ALL THESE WOMEN THROWING THEMSELVES AT ME? RIDING IN ON HORSES, BRINGING THEIR GRANNIES, WRITING ME WEIRD SONGS I HAVE TO PRETEND TO LIKE--AND HAVING TO REMEMBER ALL OF YOUR NAMES? GIRL I'M OVERWHELMED!"

But you know, we're different people Ben and I.

In the end that loony bin got a rose.
My theory is that she locks it up orrrrr she cuts a girls hair while she sleeps.
It could go either way.

The amount of catty comments and fighting that happened on the first night leads me to believe that this is going to be a solid season.

It also helped me see that Stef & I's New Year's Eve idea to make Bachelor audition videos wasn't a bad idea.
We'd be great candidates.
I want to apologize for the editing of Stef's video as I am no Speilberg.
However, I believe the message is still clear, she'd be a fantastic contestant:

I, on the other hand, probably need some polishing.
Why?
Because this is how I looked during filming:

Here is my video clip:

Fingers crossed we get the call back!

We're glamorous like Fergie I tell ya...

2012-01-03T15:26:00.000-05:00

Hello friends!

The first blog post of 2012

Hopefully everyone had a festive and wonderful New Year's Eve.

I certainly did.

Well OK it wasn't glamorous but it was still real fun.

I spent it with four of my best friends who also happen to be my sorority sisters.

Kitch, Kristin, Stef, & Ray

We spent the evening like all 24-25 year olds.

Eating 38 pounds of Mexican food only to

rush home to get in our pajamas watching the "Virgin Diaries" until

"Rocking New Years Eve" started.

Ray and I were preparing everyone for the first kiss of the most awkward couple possibly to ever walk the Earth.

They were not ready for that jelly.

As the night wore on we did crazy things like:

Made "Bachelor" audition tapes...

Ate chips...

Watched people brave Times Square...

Drank some bubbly at midnight while maybe still eating chips...

OK mainly that was just me.

The next day we didn't venture out until 6pm.

We're ready to take this look to the streets...

The only reason we did was for food.

Our loud laughing and foolish antics got the attention of the owner

Gabrielle (read: future father of my children)

we got free drinks and dessert.

Who knew side ponies, sweats, and extreme laziness would benefit us so fruitfully.

We then spent the rest of New Year's Day watching the "Once Upon a Time" marathon

which we are all now 100% hooked on.

There is one character in particular that I am madly in love with:

Oh hey Sheriff.

While we were watching we were reminded 1,000 times the new season of "The Bachelor" was looming and I was convinced to commit once again to this modern day love story.

(Please note the sarcasm)

I have watched in the past and gotten attached and then subsequently heartbroken by the result.

(Looking at you Ali & Roberto)

However, I am willing to give Ben a shot.

I'm working on my review of the first episode and once it's complete I'll post it here.

I think I'm going to try to make it a weekly thing.

Hopefully it works.

Fingers crossed.

How did ya'll spend your NYE?

Hope it was a blast!

Joe v. Ashley: You be the judge

2011-12-25T11:57:00.000-05:00

This is my friend Joe.

He was initially my supervisor this summer.

This is how he trained me.

Needless to say when I moved back to Virginia he desperately missed me.
So naturally we just continued our daily conversations via heytell & it's like nothing has changed.

I'm sure some days he wishes he could quit me, but I'm adorable so he resists.

We argue about/ discuss really important issues like:
- Where does Britney want to go?
- Who Adam Levine would be better friends with
-Whether or not the joke I just told was funny
-What kind of sandwich should we purchase
-Why can't Starbucks deliver

You know hard hitting topics to which our answers will help one day change the world.

Lately we've been battling...and I mean full on hey tell yelling about:
Kris Humphries

Yep. That's right.
The New Jersey Nets basketball player.
The former Mr. Kardashian.
The mouth breather from Hey Arnold.
Kris "I always look like I'm lost" Humph.

Joe seems to think that Kris Humphries is getting a bad rep for his time as a Kardashian.
He claims Kris stuck up for himself against a stubborn rude Kim.
He said that he walked into a bad situation, and had to impress a family in front of the world, was "incredibly" supportive of the family, and thru it all remained true to himself.

I disagree.
I think the whole marriage was a sham.
I even predicted during their wedding special that it wasn't going to last:

I was also apparently appalled that Kris would eat any cake because I also tweeted this:

I don't trust those who don't eat sweets, chips, or Mexican food.

These are my terms.

While I do agree with Joe that Kris did constantly say, "F THE POLICE" and buck the Kardashian system he was kind of a tool bag in the process.

Sure he was "supportive" of the family by attending events, and telling Kourtney to ease up on Scott that one time on vacation....

(I watch a lot of TV)

He was always saying how he was going to show them how he couldn't be tied down.

And how it was time to have a strong male in the house because all the other guys were whipped.

He went in trying to change Kim just as much as Kim tried to change Kris.

They were a terrible couple.

Don't get me wrong.

Kim is the pits.

She is also the prime suspect in the murder of Cookie Monster

Joe says my argument is flawed.
That I have no real reason why I don't like Kris.

I say "Good day sir!" because I think I have a good reason why I don't like him.
I think he's obnoxious, rude, and a little bit stupid.
I don't give a what what that he showed up at Dancing with the Stars.

He showed up at Good Morning America with his mom, who had to do all of the talking.

Mainly because I think he was trying to figure out where he was for most of it:

He's a dummy.
I'm sure he has good qualities.
He had some good zingers here and there.
But a dummy nonetheless

I rest my case.

What are your thoughts?
Are you a fan of the Hump?

MERRY CHRISTMASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! (Said like Oprah)

2011-12-25T00:44:00.000-05:00

Hello nuggets!

I hope everyone has a delightful Christmas/ Holiday season with all your friends and family.
I will be spending the day with Tim & Barb and the other Joneses.
If you think I'm quirky...imagine all of us together.

May your day be filled with love and fun,
and hopefully "Oprah's Favorite Things Audience" type reactions to the gifts that you may receive or about the food you may eat.

Happy Holidays!

-Jonesy

I just thought she was being polite...

2011-12-22T00:54:00.001-05:00

I've been doing a lot of driving lately and as you know I have the most random thought bubbles that occur when I'm on the road.

When I have these driving thoughts (DTs) I like to think I look like JD from Scrubs when he's day dreaming:

(source)

Buttttt

I know that I actually look like this:

I have come to terms with it.

Here are my recent gems that I have been thought or even muttered out loud to no one but myself:

Shouldn't the Grape family, from one of the best movies of all time "What's Eating Gilpert Grape?"gotten in a lot of trouble for burning their house down with their mom still inside? That seems like a pretty big insurance claim.
I do the TLC shoulder shrug dance a lot...

(Source)

Why did I buy so many Beanie Babies?
Do board meetings at Kohls get weird because Marc Anthony & JLO both have clothing lines there? Is it a "mommy and daddy are fighting at the dinner table" kind of vibe?
Why did Jennifer Lopez agree to make those car commercials?
Does Jennifer Lopez have a driver's license?
I wonder what Halle Berry is doing this minute?
Will my dreams of ever becoming a famous person's funny side kick come true?
What if the premise behind Toy Story is real?

It's scary what goes on in my brain space...I know.

My other favorite thing to do is analyze songs.

On the way home for break the other day my friend Adam and I analyzed the "Thong Song"

Sisqo was really passionate about a piece of underwear.

I mean there was a string section (no pun intended) and everything.

He really wanted to get the message out that barely there underwear was where it was at.

Respectable to go out and speak for your cause.

However, sometimes my analysis really brings new light to a song's meaning.

For instance, I was riding in my car with my bff Sara and a song by the musical genius of the newly engaged Britney Spears,

"Hold it Against Me," was on.

As I was singing along it came to me!

When she says:

"If I said my heart was beating loud
If we could escape the crowd somehow
If I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me"

She is not asking the fine gentleman, if he would think she was being impolite for saying she wanted his body...

She's literally asking him to hold his body against her.

I thought that I had uncovered a riddle.

I was so excited by my discovery that I yelled to Sara,

"OH MY GOD DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE'S REALLY SAYING? SHE'S ASKING HIM TO HOLD HIS BODY AGAINST HER! NOT WOULD HE METAPHORICALLY HOLD IT AGAINST HER BECAUSE SHE'S BEING KIND OF SKANKY!"

Sara then said,

"Duh Ashley. It's called a double entendre"

I don't speak French...but I do know that Britney is a sneaky (albeit clever) lady of the night.

Sara really couldn't believe that after months of being on the radio I didn't understand the true meaning of the song.

I told her not to be too surprised as up until recently I thought that the Spice Girls song "When 2 Become 1" was about being really good friends.

Apparently I needed a clearer message than,

"Are you as good as I remember baby, get it on, get it on
'Cause tonight is the night when two become one"

I mean I honestly thought that they were just 5 girls singing about being besties.

So well played Spices.

Well played Spears.

Well played indeed.

I'm essentially the third member of LMFAO

2011-12-21T23:59:00.000-05:00

As many of you know I'm a party animal.

I rage against the machine pretty regularly and pretty hard.

You also know that both of those statements are bold face lies.

However December has been pretty festive.

Even though my birthday was November 26th...or as my best friend Sara will tell you...all of November,

I had a 90s themed party at the beginning of December.

The last themed party I threw was when I was 16.

It was a Hollywood theme and I dressed up like Karen from Will & Grace.

For some reason her alcoholic, pill popping character spoke to me.

We also had an Austin Powers impersonator courtesy of Barb Jones.
Was he fat & Asian?

Yes.

Did he follow me around the party?

Sure did.

Did I vow to never hire another impersonator to any future event?

Also yes.

So I was a little nervous about how this was gonna turn out.

I was apart of the Ninja Turtle gang.

I made Agrocrag.

My friend B made me a sweet ALL THAT cake.

URKELE CAME!

CARMEN SAN DIEGO WAS THERE!

SO WAS THE BAYSIDE GANG!

AND QUAIL MAN!

I'M TYPING IN CAPS BECAUSE IT WAS SO AWESOME.

The following weekend we had our grad program's holiday party which was full of fun.

Sara had the idea to go as "Ho Ho Ho"

When we were together we'd look super festive.

When standing alone we'd look like a random ho.

It's why I keep her around she's the brains of the operation.

So I made the shirts...

And that's exactly what we did...

And it wouldn't be a party with out some homemade mustaches...

So I mean as you can see my lack of blogging has been due to the fact that I've been partying uncontrollably.

After a rough semester I think a little party was necessary.

One semester left of grad school and then I'm going to be a grown up.

(I use that word loosely.)

Maybe...

2011-12-05T21:22:00.001-05:00

Maybe it's the fact that my last blog post was about me eating 2 sandwiches that included gravy...

Maybe it's the fact that I got tired eating an apple the other day...

Maybe it's the fact that the first place I became a Mayor in on Foursquare after being a member for 5 days was a Dairy Queen...

Maybe it's the fact that walking up a flight of stairs has me looking for the nearest bench to take a nap on...

Maybe it's the fact that I got agitated when the woman in front of me didn't know how to properly order at Chipotle...

Maybe it's the fact that I just got winded putting up my hair...

Maybe it's the fact that when someone asked me how often I drank water my response was, "Generally just when I brush my teeth"...

Maybe it's the fact that my heytell messages sound like creepy stalker voice mails because of the heavy breathing...

Maybe it's the fact that I have a designated booth at Chick-fil-A...

Maybe it's the fact that I said out loud "If I see one more person sign up for a damn marathon, I'm reporting their Facebook profile as spam..."

Maybe it's the fact that when I saw a group of girls running in the cold while I drove by them eating my waffle fries I thought to myself "suckers"....

Maybe it's the fact that I can't remember where my running shoes are...

Maybe it's the fact that today in Starbucks when my best friend Steve tried to steal a piece of my lemon pound cake I knocked that piece to the ground and proclaimed, "If I can't have it...no one will..."

Maybe all of these things are telling me one thing:

Jones get your badonk back to the gym.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving...

2011-11-23T23:41:00.000-05:00

I will give you my review of the perfect sandwich that is the Gobbler.

I am thankful for many things in my life.

My cool parents.

My awesome friends.

My health.

Sweatpants.

But today, I am most thankful for sandwiches.

I love sandwiches.

So bad.

Besides Mexican food (which I eat about 3 times a week)

my next favorite meal is a sandwich.

My idol Liz Lemon once said,

“Can I share with you my worldview? All of humankind has one thing in common: the sandwich. I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich."

And I agree sister.

We also use the treadmill in the same way:

But I digress. Back to the matter at hand.

As you know I spent my summer in Filet (Philly).

During this time I fell in love with Wawa.

Down in VA they are glorified gas stations.

But up north they are like fancy 7-11s.

My life was changed.

They have an event called Hoagiefest people.

HOAGIEFEST.

It is a magical place.

They are hard to find where I live now, so I spend my days pining for it, making my friends from Philly tell me what they ate from there, what specials are happening.

Anything to keep me connected.

Recently my main Wawa informants Joe, Steve, and Sydney

(all pictured below)

informed me about the latest sensation:

THE GOBBLER

They told me it was Thanksgiving in sandwich form.

I wasn't really buying it.

I mean wouldn't that be kind of gross.

Nay, they said.

They sent me a picture to prove their point.

I was not impressed.

Then they just kept talking about it.

Seriously, it was Gobbler this, and Gobbler that.

So I caved.

I said, "Tell me again why this is so great."

They broke it down for me.

On a roll, the following is included:

Hot turkey (like the real deal turkey)

Gravy

Stuffing

Cranberry Sauce

and then Sydney added a little nugget that brought a tear to my eye.

She said,

"You can add mashed potatoes if you get it in a bowl."

That did it for me.

I was convinced.

This Gobbler had to be mine.

So I used my handy dandy iPhone and found myself the closest Wawa.

It was in Woodbridge, which can be nice but can also be a little Sketchtown, USA if you're in the wrong spot.

But a possible stab wound was nothing to me.

This sandwich would be mine.

I texted my best friend Jessy and told her about it.

She did some research and was in.

This morning I sent her the following text:

And that we did.

Jess, her fiance George, her 3 month old daughter Leila and I set out on our quest.

I have to say there was a little bit of a panic when I first ordered.

What if I did it wrong?

What if it wasn't what I had hoped?

What if I hated it?

I ordered the smallest one they had.

(Rookie mistake)

As soon as I brought it back to the car and had one bite I knew.

This was not a drill.

This was the best effing sandwich ever.

So after eating the rest in 2 bites

I heytelled Joe to let him know I was going in for round 2.

He laughed and said, "Are you really?"

He didn't get a response for another 15 minutes.

I hoped that made it clear enough that--oh yeah....things were HAPPENING.

I went in, ordered and went to the same cashier.

Did she recognize me?

You bet she did.

Was I embarrassed?

Nope. I was on a mission.

I high tailed it back to the car so fast and I think it's safe to say, I didn't really chew the sandwich.

More like swallowed it whole like a snake.

Below is my review of heaven:

Jessy and George's review can be found here.

I would like to make a few closing remarks:

1. I have never had a McRib. I just like a. saying McRib and

b. much like the McRib, the Gobbler is for a limited time only.

2. When I say Leila judged me the whole way home, I'm not kidding.

This was her expression for a good 10 minutes while I ate Gobbler Dos:

3. If you go get yourself a Gobbler, get napkins. That was yet another rookie mistake.

4. I told Tim about it and he informed me that Friday he and I had a date at a gas station.

That sounded a little creepy.

What I meant was we are going to get a Gobbler on Friday.

The End.

Actually if you have a must-eat food that I should try and review, leave it in the comments section or send me an email.

I love to eat.

No but seriously.

I love to eat.

I don't think you're ready for this jelly...

2011-11-21T21:10:00.002-05:00

I'm no stranger to being embarrassed by my antics.

Normally they make for funny stories.

If I can make someone laugh, even at my expense....why not?

But something happened recently that made my think,

"Whoa buddy...do not take this to the streets."

No, I'm not talking about the time I put too many items in one of my sweat pants pockets that led me to pants myself while walking up my driveway.

No it was not the two times I burped super loud during student career counseling appointments.

(Lesson Learned: Do not chug Coke Zero like Buddy the Elf 2 minutes before you're meeting with a student about their career path.)

And the fact that I made this video and posted it to Facebook makes me giggle not cringe:

It WAS my recent DMV experience.

As many of you know I previously had a horrid driver's license picture.

Let's review:

First a disclaimer:

It's a VA state law that you can't smile in your license picture, and your picture is now black and white.

Green arrow: horrid hair

Pink arrow: lazy eye

Blue arrow: puppet chin

It was so awful.

I had to preface showing my ID by saying,

"I swear I didn't murder a family."

Then I lost this gem.

I couldn't find it anywhere.

So I went to the DMV to just order a new one.

I wasn't prepared for taking a new picture in the slightest.

Honestly, I looked fairly homeless.

While I waited to renew I remained calm.

I even played a fun game called:

Two Girls? Two Guys? 1 Girl & 1 Guy?

The answer: One of each.

When they called my number I went up and said,

"Hey I lost my license, just need a new one."

The man said,

"OK, come with me to take a new picture."

I said, "Um...shwhat now?"

He said louder,

"COME WITH ME"

I asked if he could just use my old picture, and he literally acted like he didn't hear me.

Just kept walking.

So I dragged my feet like a 12 year old boy stuck shopping with his mom while she looked for bras.

He said,

"Stand there..."

and then after laughing at the result told me it would be ready in 7-10 days.

I'm not kidding.

He laughed at me.

He turned the computer to show me but since I didn't have my glasses on I saw a blurry figure that didn't look half bad.

So I went with it.

7-10 days later it arrived.

In the meantime my original driver's license was found in Sara's car.

It now hangs on our shared office window:

I braced myself.

How bad could it be?

I mean two horrid driver's license pictures couldn't happen to one person.

Right?

WRONG.

I'm so hesitant to post this because it is so horrible.
But secrets are no fun.
So here it is:

Behold the worst drivers license picture ever:

I look terrified.

I was trying to rectify the lazy eye situation, and boy did it back fire.

My grandma told me it looks like I got caught stabbing someone.

Barb said it was a mugshot.

Tim asked if I did it on purpose, because clearly no picture could be taken that looked that horrid on purpose.

I assured him that no it was in fact for realsies.

I am so embarrassed.

I don't even know what else to say about it.

However, I do know that when I get caught for hiding in Adam Levine's laundry basket and am on the run from the law, this is the face that will be on CNN.

#woof

I can't deny it...

2011-11-19T00:53:00.001-05:00

I am a Twilight saga fan.

Wait...don't go just yet.

Let me explain myself.

You see, the books came highly recommended.

Seeing as I just graduated from my undergrad and had nothing to do but apply for jobs and watch "The Landlord" over and over again (it was 2008 people), I thought I'd head over to the ole' B&N and check them out.

I read the first few pages of the first one and was hooked.

I quickly gathered up the rest of the books like I was a chipmunk storing up acorns in my cheeks for the winter, checked out like I was buying drugs, and immediately went home.

Dramatic rendering of the incident below:

I loved the books.

Thought they were amazing.

Mourned for a short period after because I wasn't sure what

could top it.

When the movies started coming out,

I'll admit it, I went to a midnight preview...of 3 of them.

But I didn't dress up and didn't scream when Jacob took his shirt off.

(Well out loud...in my head full on boy band concert type yelling was going down.)

I didn't go the midnight showing for "Breaking Dawn" but did have the plan to see it opening day.

Which I did.

I'm going to give you the run down of the event leading up to the movie, and then I will give you my review.

Let's proceed.

The night started off well.

I went with my bff Sara and our friend from work Shelly.

Shelly ~~threatened~~ told us she was going to make us t-shirts,

but made us some sweet headbands instead.

She said we needed to look classy for the wedding between Edward and Bella.

We went with it.

And looked pretty awesome.

We ate my weight in Mexican food and ventured off the theater.

As soon as we arrived two things happened:

1. There was an advertisement for a $6 souvenir cup.

I don't know if you know this about me but I love a good souvenir cup.

I was hoping the movie was going to be a goodie so I thought heck yes I will add to my collection.

So I bought one:

& it now sits among my other precious gems.

(Don't judge that more than half are wrestling cups from 7-11)

2. I found the number 1 item on my birthday and Christmas list this year.

It's good for all occasions.

And looks super warm.

We made our way to the line and after they checked our tickets, social security numbers, finger printed us, and did a retinal eye scan, they let us in to find our seats.

I didn't think R.Patz was going to make a grand entrance from the ceiling or appear in cloud of smoke, so why I needed a full body pat down to sit in a theater in Waynesboro, VA will forever remain a mystery.

Then the movie started.

Let me just say that I really wanted this movie to be good.

I wanted to ignore the fact that a movie reviewer on the radio retitled it,

"Breaking Wind."

But they were right.

It was really bad.

Here are my top 5 reasons "Breaking Dawn" was a suckfest:

5. The wedding was super awkward.

The "you may now kiss the bride" scene lasted for a good 45 seconds.

If I kissed my husband for 45 seconds during my wedding ceremony,

Barb Jones would most likely get out of her seat and sandwich herself between us, and tell us "not in front of company."

Actually probably not, by the time I get married she'll just be so happy I'm not going to be a spinster she'll let anything fly.

However, generally

that is not the time to be groping all up on somebody.

People are watching...and food is most likely waiting at the reception that's not going to eat itself.

Plus Bella's hair looked nice one minute and then the next looked like someone dragged her through a bramble bush.

4. The Wolves.

Here's the thing guys.

There are real wolves that they use for shows like "True Blood" & "Teen Wolf"

They train them.

So far 0 actors have been eaten.

I think...

Why the f wasn't that an option for this movie?

Because let me tell you something, these computer dogs were not fooling anybody.

3. During their much talked about honeymoon scenes, they spend half the time playing chess.

I'm sorry, what?

Chess?

Really?

Shelly leaned over at one point and said,

"That's lame. Don't do that on your honeymoon."

Literally the only experience I have with chess, is from when Ron Weasley played the life sized version in the first Harry Potter movie and got a concussion.

Chess ruins peoples' lives.

I'm not going out like a punk.

Nor am I going to nerd it up during my island vacation with my vampire husband.

I also realize that I will not have an island vacation with my vampire husband as they do not exist.

I mean Connect Four, maybe.

A good game of Rummy, why not?

But not chess.

Losers.

2. Was Bella Swan also in the Thriller video?

This was only the beginning.

Those producers may not have been able to make a wolf look like a wolf, but they sure did help Kristen Stewart look like an extra in Michael Jackson's

epic music video.

I spent the majority of the movie kind of hoping she would just break into dance.

She didn't.

1. The birthing scene is why I will never sleep again.

So I don't think that I'm ever going to be faced with a situation where I will be carrying a half baby half vampire fetus but should that ever occur, I'm letting you know right now I'm fine with you fools taking me out.

That crap was terrifying.

It did not sooth my fears of pregnancy at all.

The baby also craved blood folks, which she then drank out of a cup like a damn milkshake.

I've heard of some wacky pregnancy cravings but O- was never one of them.

To make the situation even more traumatizing, they not only showed the baby breaking her ribs and back to get out, it also showed it punching, kicking and biting.

I mean in real life I know that's not what happens per say buttttt holy crap dude.

I'm not trying to chance it.

I don't care if you are a pretty vampire husband.

Things are on lockdown until we have a serious family planning discussion.

We will adopt.

Be the Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie of the Underworld.

I've taken this joke to far...

Overall the movie was a huge let down.

I didn't think it was going to be what cinematic dreams are made of but it was kind of a bummer.

Harry Potter never played me like that.

Ever.

If Twilight and Harry Potter series were characters on the "Jersey Shore," Twilight would be "The Situation" running into walls, and Harry Potter would be the dynamic Pauly D and Vinny duo.

If they were brothers, Twilight would be the cute but dumb one, while HP would be husband material.

If they were boy bands, Twilight would be BSB while HP would be *NSYNC.

(I can always bring it back there...always.)

You catch my drift.

Twilight was bologna.

And I give it:

TWO FANGS DOWN

Mr. Saxobeat, please take your seat

2011-11-08T23:41:00.000-05:00

I love music.

In no way is my taste refined.

At all.

Let us revisit the fact that I have seen *NSYNC 5 times in concert.

I camped out for tickets at least 3 of those times.

One of those times I had Tim waiting in line, while I was on the phone, and my best friend Marisa was using dial up to get the tickets online.

It was a system.

We were ~~obsessed~~ passionate.

Some might say nerds.

I embrace it.

We can debate why *NSYNC is better than the Backstreet Boys all day long.

(Please read the above statement as such: I will street fight anyone who tells me Backstreet Boys are superior to *NSYNC. And in this street fight prison rules apply.)

But that's not the point of this blog.
Plus I want to give all the pro-BSB fans time to justify why having Howie in your group was an asset.

I have also seen the "American Idols Live Tour" twice.

Once to see the original crew because I love Kelly Clarkson.

She is the song bird of our generation people.

The other to see Kris Allen.

Because, well, he's precious OK?

I love cheesy pop music.
I like country music.
(Looking at you Timothy McGraw...if you could see me now I'm being shooting the finger guns at you in a very creepy way. So you're welcome.)

I like rap.
(Also looking at you Eminem, but not giving the finger guns because I have a feeling that would end poorly for me. I've seen "8 Mile" & I don't mess with people from Detroit because of it.)
I like the hits of the 70s, 80s, 90s, and today folks.
I don't have high standards.

Throw down a good beat and I'm all in.

Don't worry I hate myself for that last sentence too.

But there is one song that is on the radio now that makes me want to
...
how do I say this in a polite way?
Oh I know:
THROW MYSELF IN FRONT OF A BUS.

Yeah that's right, I'm talking to you Mr. Saxobeat.
Alexandra Stan you are the current bane of my existence.
Why?
Why is this song allowed.
Once the beat gets going it just repeats all day long.
I don't know the words and so I just randomly say,
"Mr. Saxobeat!" and then make the saxophone noise that accompanies it.
I am driving myself crazy.
I forced myself to listen to it in its' entirety the other day and thought the following:
"Driving across country with Kate Gosselin and her children would be better than listening to this for one more second."

This may seem dramatic.
I know.
However, when repetitive sounds (i.e: tapping, clicking, repetitive sax beats)
are your biggest pet peeve,
it is safe to say that this song would not be chicken noodle soup for my soul.

To sum up:
It makes me want to punch dance out my rage.

I was describing my hatred before class yesterday
and one of my classmates asked if I was talking about
the "Sexy Saxophone Guy."
I told him I wasn't really sure what Mr. Saxobeat looked like, but he didn't sound very attractive via Ms. Stan's description.

He then showed me my new favorite youtube sensation.
Feast your eyes on this bad boy:

I still hate the song Mr. Saxobeat with the fire of 1,000 suns
but now I picture Mr. Sexy Saxophone Guy being who she speaks of and I can kind of handle it.

I think I would sing about a dude with luscious locks and a mean pair of suspenders too.
I see what you did there A. Stan.
Well played.

Bananas: They're just like us!

2011-11-07T00:25:00.000-05:00

I have written about this before but I feel it is important to stress that

I have wanted to be a banana for Halloween for quite some time.

I don't know why.

Actually--yes I do.

Bananas are funny.

Delish in cereal but also funny.

I have tried on the costume once or ~~eight times~~ twice.

However, I just couldn't bring myself to spend the

$20-$40 it cost.

This is my reaction shot this year when I found out how much the costume was.

Thanks for nothing Target.

So I went another October 31st without living my dream.

Sad.

HOWEVER NO ONE TOLD ME HOW AWESOME HALLOWEEN COSTUME SALES WERE ON NOVEMBER 1ST!!!!!

My birthday month was kicked off right.

(Yes birthday MONTH...I'm an only child. I get excited)

As I was strolling the aisles of embarrassing things I could dress in to embarrass my best friend Sara...

For example:

I saw it.

My banana costume.

50% off.

$9.50 friends.

That's how much this little piece of heaven cost:

That's right.

It's mine.

I own it.

I texted my friend Steve to let him know it was in my possession.

He told me I only had to wait 364 more days to wear it.

I told him that if didn't think I'd be wearing it in a matter of 5-10 minutes he didn't know me at all.

His reply:

Good point.

Have you ever seen the spread in "US Weekly"- Celebs are Just Like Us?

It usually shows Katy Perry opening her own car door, Cameron Diaz feeding herself food, Hugh Jackman walking on a crowded street.

You know what us little folk do.

(source)

I kind of took that approach to the next two hours of my life.

Let's proceed with my newest feature:

BANANAS: THEY'RE JUST LIKE US!

They trick or treat!

They text their friends about being a banana on their iPhone

They watch the "Game Show Network" followed by "Storage Wars"

They help address their best friend's save-the-dates.

(With fantastic penmanship if I do say so myself)

Before you click the unfollow button, please know that this is one of the dumbest blogs I have ever written.

And there have been some doozies.

However, I'm just so excited that my dreams have come true.

And as you can see

I dream big.

Minding your p's and q's

2011-10-26T23:22:00.000-04:00

To be quite honest I don't know what the "q" stands for in that saying but I am aware it has something to do with manners.

Which as many of my friends will tell you, I have a ton of.

Kind of.

Let's continue...

I listen to a lot of music and sometimes I like to break down the lyrics to what they are truly saying.

I think we've all done it.

I've had numerous conversations with my friends about the song "Grenade" by Bruno Mars.

I'm glad you'd throw your hand on a blade for me, but honestly Bruno, I'd like you to stop taking me to establishments where knife fights are so prevalent.

You think I'm smiling to your face Bruno and then ripping the brakes out of your car?

Well point your finger elsewhere friend because I wouldn't even know where to begin to do that.

And also if your body was on fire, I would tell you to stop, drop, and roll.

Not watch you burn down in flames.

Give me some credit.

Lately I've heard a couple of songs where although the lyrics are fairly inappropriate, they use their manners before explicitly telling you what they wish to do.

For example: "Give Me Everything Tonight" by Pitbull and Neyo

He says, "Excuse me,"

(how polite)

Then he goes on to say,

"I might drink a little more than I should tonight..."

(Thanks for the warning...call a cab should things get crazy)

He proceeds...

"I might take you home with me if I could tonight, because we might not get tomorrow."

(Ok, first, I was impressed by your polite, Excuse me, however now I'm getting a little creeped out. Why won't we get tomorrow? Are you potentially going to murder me? Is this quickly turning into a kidnapping situation? I'm now concerned. Your manners now sound insincere. Seriously why can't you promise me tomorrow? Do you know something I don't?)

Enrique Iglesias has that song "Tonight I'm Loving You"

We all know there's another title.

If you don't:

Replace loving with the word that sounds like ducking but take off the d and add an f.

It's a riddle.

Complex yet profound.

Ok that's a stretch.

He says

"Here's the situation been to every nation..."

(Really? All of them? I'd like to see your passport.")

He continues...

"Nobody's ever made me feel the way that you do..."

(Oh well that is nice of you...I didn't know you felt that way...I'm truly honored by that please excuse my passport comment...do go on sir.)

Then...

"You know my motivation..."

(For a future together?)

"Given my reputation..."

(As far as I know your reputation is that of being one's hero)

"Please excuse me I don't mean to be rude,"

(Oh not at all! These are very nice things you are saying. I feel the same. Since you got rid of that huge mole I'm definitely in to seeing where this is going....)

"But tonight I'm f#$*'in you."

(Well I did not see that one coming...)

Just because you start off politely, if you end with something profane, it doesn't make it OK.

I mean I laugh hysterically

and applaud the effort,

but still--rude.

I leave you with the following clip to really drive home my point:

Actually after watching that again
perhaps I should check into the Geneva Convention...

Another successful encounter with a man...

2011-10-24T23:33:00.000-04:00

The other day my best friend Sara and I went to the fine establishment that is Subway.

We started talking about my ideal guy.

Sara said,

"What would your perfect guy even look like?"

To which I replied,

"Well he'd look a lot like that guy right there."

Normally when I say that it's usually someone who looks like this:

or this...

usually this...

But this time he was legitimately precious.

So I pointed (so she knew precisely who I was talking about) and spoke in my naturally loud squeaky voice and said,

"HE'D LOOK LIKE HIM. RIGHT THERE. IN THE BLUE SHIRT. HE'S PERFECT."

We casually continued our conversation about Blue Shirt and how I wanted him to be funny, like sports, and smell nice.

I'm not saying I was going to kidnap this gentleman, put him in my basement and make a skin suit out of him.

I was just putting out to the universe that he was a babe and I was single.

I didn't think anything of it.

It looked like he was employed (bonus) and was on the move (productive).

A quick lunch.

Much to my surprise he was not taking his order to go.

He was taking it to the table right next to mine occupied by another hunk of a gentleman who had been eating by himself for a good 10 to 12 minutes.

A gentleman who heard my whole conversation.

A gentleman who then turned to Blue Shirt and said,

"Hey, that girl right there thinks you're cute."

Blue Shirt looked over right at the same time I was pointing to him, telling Sara he was coming closer.

Sara informed me of the conversation between friends and the fact that he saw me pointing.

That is when I gathered up my things and exited Jared's establishment.

I'm going to be single forever.

Also news flash to everyone Jonathan Taylor Thomas is now on Twitter.

So naturally my twitter campaign has begun.

Still no word back but if you could maybe drop a line over to

@JonTThomas

I'd appreciate it.

Apparently Adam Levine is too busy skankin' it up with his "blonde model" girlfriend to tweet me back:

You can take the time to take your pants off Adam but you can't take the time to tweet 140 characters to me?

Cuts me deep.

Real deep.

And now I'm rollin in the deep Adam.

You had my heart and soul in your hands.

And you played it...

to the beat...

We could have had it all Adam...

alright I'll stop.

What I'm saying is.

JTT seems sensitive and maybe has a little more time on his hands to tweet a sister back.

We'll see how it goes.

I would also like to let you all know that I've finally purchased one of the best apps in existence of man kind.

It's called Cat Paint.

It was 99 cents.

And worth every penny.

Need some proof as to why it's awesome:

I rest my case.

I don't wanna wait!

2011-09-27T23:47:00.001-04:00

I am the worst blogger.

TWO WHOLE WEEKS OF NEGLECT.

How dare I.

Let me fill you in on what's been going on.

My friend & sorority sister Stef works at UNC Wilmington so it was perfect excuse for

5 of my favorite sorority sisters and I to make a trip down to see her.

Please note the classic sorority squat

She asked us what we wanted to do when we came to visit and the only thing that came to mind was:

Find Dawson and his creek.

Dawson's Creek was filmed in the Wilmington and seeing as I am still extremely attached to Joey and Pacey I was extremely pumped to be in such a historical place.

Stef informed me that there wasn't really a "Dawson's Creek" tour.

I reacted like so:

Then she told me that she would take us to the Screen Gems tour which showed you the set of "One Tree Hill."

I was immediately renewed with joy.

The tour was amazing.

I walked around Nathan and Haley's house and saw Julian and Brooke's living room.

I answered the tour guides questions with creepy speed and accuracy.

It was a dream come true.

I was still a little bitter that there was no set left up from the "Creek" and would turn corners yelling out

"DAWSON?!"

I also may have pulled out my phone at some point to play the "Dawson's Creek" theme song as we walked the studio lot.

That can not be confirmed or denied.

Then we walked outside and the light shined down upon this awkward mural:

My friend Molly made the following observation:

The tour guide said that the mural used to hang in the cafeteria thus the forks and spoons in the background but I still pumped that a little piece of the "Creek" was still around.

So much so that I made everyone pose it front of it after the tour was over.

We also went to a bar that had skee ball. It was awesome.

But I digress.

I have been in a traveling mood I guess because I also recently went to meet my nephew

Cameron.

You all are familiar with his mom.

Yes that's right I photo bombed a mom and baby.

It's the circle of life friends.

The circle of life.

But seriously he was one of the cutest baby nuggets I have ever met.

I mean he fully cooperated when I did this:

How can you not love him?

With all this driving I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Then I realized the thoughts were probably a little off center to what most people think about when they drive.

So I began keeping a running tally of what tumble weeds of quandary roled thru my brain.

Are you ready for these profound bombs that are about to get dropped?

Things Ashley A. Jones Thinks About While Driving

Instead of Paying Attention to the Road:

-How has Snooki never broken an ankle while running through the streets of Italy in those tall heels?

-Why do I care about Snooki's bone health?

-Whatever happened to the girl group DREAM?

-Now that we're on that topic brain--whatever happened to Ashley Parker Angel and the band BBMak?

-I wonder if they're doing well in this economy? I hope so.

-How do rappers write their rhymes?

-What would I look like if I shaved my head?

-I ate a lot of bologna sandwiches when I was little.

-Why doesn't salsa taste as good in a jar as it does in a Mexican restaurant?

-Why do I crave cheese doodles more than any other food item when I'm driving long distances?

-How long do people have to practice in order to say the alphabet backwards?

-I hope Ellen Degeneres is nice in person

-That Apple D guy from the Black Eyed Peas is scary

- I wish I owned "Selena" on DVD

And there you have it folks.

If you ever see me driving and think

"Dang that girl is deep in thought...she must have a lot on her mind"

think again.

Think.again.

Very Serious Post

2011-09-12T00:59:00.003-04:00

I have had a very serious quarter life crisis that I feel I should address with you.

But first, I would like to show you my crafts that I made.

So if you could pay attention to my show-and-tell like Barb normally does when I show her stuff that would be fantastic...

She usually looks at me like this in case you need an example:

Ahem:

I bought this old window at an antique store and put the decorative paper in the panes.

I also bought that owl.

I named him Norman.

He spices up the place.

I painted the frames and hung them above my bed.

Granted not all of them are hung straight but we're making progress.

I bought this empty frame with no back and got a cool little tapestry and hung it in there.

I did attempt at "ironing" the fabric with my straightener and although it didn't do anything I counted it as a win that I even tried.

I painted those frames too.

I don't have a jewelry box so this is how I decided to hang my precious jewels.

Norm.

Now to my quarter life crisis.

TEEN IDOLS ARE GETTING OLD AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT.

At the beginning of the year

January 31st to be exact,

Justin Timberlake turned 30.

I thought to myself, "Holy crap."

In my mind he has always been frozen at the age of 18.

I mean I understand that he has in fact gotten hotter as he has gotten older.

(source)

And that he does grown up things now, like not dating Britney Spears.

But he's 30.

Like mature enough to start a family and recognize that the time that he had cornrows was a big mistake in his life.

As it is now September and I've had about 8 months to pour a little out for the Justin Timberlake of yesteryear I thought I was going to be able to cope with the next 30 year old birthday of a former teen idol.

I was wrong.

September 8th, 2011.

The 30th birthday of Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

JTT, my first true love.

I scoured through "Tiger Beat" and "Teen Bop" magazines to find his fan club address.

I wrote him several times.

Asking him all about his life.

I mean if Twitter existed when I was 12,

I would have @replied the crap out of JTT.

Perhaps he would have reached out to me unlike certain people I've been trying to woo.

(Looking at you Adam Levine. Looking.at.you.)

Actually, whoever was Mr. Thomas's fan club manager did a real nice job of organizing the fan mail because I did receive an autographed post card from him.

If I told you I didn't run around my house sweating and crying because JTT knew who I was, I'd be lying to you.

No, he did not answer my specific questions:

Are you really dating Rachel Leigh Cook?

Do you identify with Randy on "Home Improvement"?

Do you think it's weird that we both have similar hair cuts?

Instead he told me about his time on-set of

"Tom & Huck"

I was glad for the insider info but really never fully understood if he and Randy faced many of the same challenges as young teens.

As you know I have since moved on to ~~stalk~~ love other famous celebs

but JTT was always my #1.

Occasionally I would wonder what he was up to, but knew that no news was good news.

I mean let's be real if he was doing anything crazy, we would have heard about it.

So I just imagined him living a happy life with his quirky neighbor Wilson on the other side of the fence.

Yes for some reason his adult life was that of Randy Taylor's.

Then Thursday I saw this tweet:

to which I then replied:

Then they posted this picture on EW:

And my heart exploded.

Not only is he 30 he is the size of a hobbit.

JILL IS TALLER THAN HIM.

I mean he's still got it don't get me wrong.

But why Jonathan Taylor...why are you 30?

Why do I have such a problem with it?

(I think it means it's because I am also getting older...but whatever.)

Perhaps he still has the same fan club address.

Maybe I'll write him all of these questions and since he seems to have some time on his hands he can write me back all the answers.

P.S. Mark and Brad look rough.

At this point Al is more of a catch.

It's all about the execution...

2011-08-24T01:42:00.001-04:00

I consider myself a crafty person.

Generally speaking.

I make bubble letters like nobody's business.

I draw a mean sailboat on my calendar for Columbus Day.

(I'm aware that's not how he got here...however that is what I can draw. I call that improvising. I also draw a little stick figure with a little thought bubble that says "Land Ahoy!")

Doodles are my real forte.

If you see me in class, a meeting, or just waiting around I'm probably doodling.

I am not drawing portraits by any means.

Usually I draw my name 87 different ways.

Then I go to my solid #2 drawing

Friendly Godzilla walking amongst tall buildings.

Not destroying them...walking around and thru them.

I guess I just believe he was misunderstood.

Anyway since I revealed I've had the post-summer blues,

I took fellow blogger, Nikki's, advice and decided to start making projects for myself.

My inspiration to start crafting stemmed from a picture I saw that had my bedding in it.

(source)

Because of this picture I have spawned several ideas.

I have a picture collage idea.
Then I want to

paint a shelf and then somehow hang it.

Maybe even refinish a bedside table.

I'm on a mother flippin' mission.

I want a room like that picture.

And because I've been staring at pictures and websites of how to do these aforementioned things I've convinced myself I can do it.

However in reality I'm suspicious of how these projects are actually going to turn out.

Like I said before I usually consider myself to be crafty but when you break it down

I'm really only crafty in my mind.

When it comes to execution of said craft...things take a dangerous turn.

Let me give you the run down of how a usual craft project turns out for me.

1. I see something and think I don't need to buy that! I can make it.

2. Then I'm all jazzed because I feel like...Martha effin' Stewart.

No glue gun, safety pin, or yarn knot will defeat me!

I'm gonna make some STUFF.

From scratch.

Like the pilgrims did.

I'm going to be artsy.

Start an etsy shop.

Do big things!

3. I go to the craft store with a coupon probably, because after watching one episode of "Extreme Couponing" on TLC I have also convinced myself I have that process down to a science as well.

I start marching down the aisles looking for my supplies.

This is when a little doubt sets in.

Am I getting the right stuff?

What if I don't get enough of the paper?

What if they run out of that color?

Should I buy 30 even though I need 10 pieces?

I could mess up.

Then I gather my thoughts and say,

"No Jones, you will not mess up. You are a craft genius. If crafting were a sport I would have a fan club and people trying to tweet ME because of my talents...and good looks..."

Yep. That's me as Buzz Lightyear at the young age of 23.

4. I pay for my items, of course making sure that the cashier rings my 10% of coup correctly. I want to make sure I'm saving.

5. I get home...and take a nap. Shopping and that ferocious pep talk has really tuckered me out.

6. I regroup and lay out my crafting tools and dive into my project.

7. I immediately mess up.

8. I somehow glue my fingers together. Even if there's no glue involved in the process.

9. In cutting fabric, yarn, or paper I've also magically cut a chunk of my hair and now have a half rack of bangs.

10. I start crying about my hair and the fact that I may not have finger prints on two fingers after I rip them apart.

11. I look for the hotline number on the back of the Tacky Glue container. I'm going to give those people a piece of my mind when I get my other hand unstuck from my cell phone.

12. I start sweating. (That's probably higher on the list but I'm giving myself the benefit of the doubt here.)

13. I lay down.

14. I get up. Gather all crafts supplies into a ball, put them in a bag, put that in the closet.

15. Sit down and watch a Bridezilla's marathon.

16. Vow to never try a craft again.

17. Go on etsy and find something else I like.

18. Think to myself...I could totally do that.

19. Repeat whole cycle.

It's fairly exhausting but I'm going to attempt the whole thing this weekend.

Wish me luck.

I'll update you on the final product.

It's already touch and go.

Are you crafty?

I'm happy to know your tips.

I'm off to stretch and mentally prepare.

I've got a case of the post-summer time blues...

2011-08-22T00:51:00.002-04:00

Lately I have been pretty down in the dumps.

No it is not because my Twitter campaign to get @adamlevine to tweet me back is failing miserably.

Although that is not helping.

The truth is nuggets, I had one of the best summers of my life.
I know living right outside of DC is far from living in the sticks but...

I lived IN a city for the first time ever.

And not just any city but Philadelphia.

It is amazing there.

Yes sometimes it smells like trash.

Yes the Eagles play there.

Yes the homeless people yell at you.

But they also have:

Food trucks

(I miss you Tran...and your $1 egg rolls)

Center City Sips

(Happy Hour...holler holler beer for 2 dollars.)

((I know that was a stretch but let me have it...I'm fragile.))

Chase Utley

(source)

Views like this

Books like this:

And honestly the homeless people are generally yelling to you about invisible things that have fallen out of your pocket and onto the street.

So really they're just trying to be polite.

I respect that.

But mainly this summer gave me the opportunity to meet some of the most insightful, hilarious, fantastic, unique and genuine people.

I know I don't normally get very sentimental on the blog but it's my blog and I can weep openly into the interweb if I want to.

(See what I did there...a little play on words)

I had the amazing opportunity to work with 25 Orientation Leaders, 1 pretty cool supervisor, 3 student affairs interns, and an amazing professional staff to bring in a huge new first year class at Drexel.

I have never laughed and learned so much in a short amount of time.

I was there for 3 months and to be honest it wasn't long enough.

At the beginning of the summer, I was excited for an opportunity to work in a new place but I could have never imagined how much I would love it.

When you know that you're going to work 18 hour days, you know your job is going to be tiring and tough.

But knowing that these were the faces I got to see every day

(no matter how much they made me feel like the Octomom sometimes)

made me realize I had a pretty sweet deal.

I made 2 superb new friends out of Ashley and Taylor.

They still claimed me as one of their own.

Even after I gave them a 10 minute seminar of all the things I could pick up with my feet.

(It's an impressive list...the biggest item during that demonstration was a bottle of nail polish remover...but I digress.)

I also had a pretty cool boss Joe.

I mean his face says it all.

He loved having me as his minion.

It is also because of our ridiculous Starbucks and 7-11 Slurpee habits that

I'm pretty sure I have a slight heart palpitation and an early onset of the sugar.

I'm sorry to gush about this summer but it truly was the best.

Now that I'm back in Harrisonburg it's been hard to get of this post-summer funk that I'm in.

I've been trying to think of things to do to get me excited for this upcoming year.

So far I have collected 3 out of 6 WWE collectors cups at 7-11.

Stocked up on my Shawn Michaels goblet on Friday

but that didn't fill the void.

I've tried my best not to eat my feelings but with those cool new ketchup packets and their generally delicious food I have made quite a few trips to the local Chick-fil-A.
I have refrained from my true sorrow food:
Taco Bell
However, should this funk continue I make no promises.
Cheesy fiesta potatoes are like a dollar and currently I have like six of them.
Dollars that is.
That's a lot of potatoes that may soon contain watered down cheese due to my weeping.
Too much?

I've looked at pictures of puppies.

Still in the dumps.

I've looked into becoming a part of a famous person's entourage.

Not only have I been unsuccessful but also unfulfilled.

I online window shop.

Not even a slight twinge of excitement for a new peacoat.

WHO HAVE I BECOME!?

So here's my question:

How do you get yourself out of the post-summer time blues?

Are you there God? It's me Jones.

2011-08-19T10:40:00.001-04:00

Hello friends!

Since my last post I have moved back to VA.

I'm super bummed about leaving Filet.

It was honestly the best summer I've ever had.

No exaggeration.

Before I start weeping into my keyboard and reminiscing about numerous group dance sessions with these fools:

Let's move onnnn...

I feel that is important to share something with you.

One of my last nights in Philly I went out with some of my friends.

Things got a little out of hand.

Don't get me wrong I didn't get arrested

Or like rap battle with a homeless person

(although I'm writing that on my bucket list as we speak...)

but enough libation was done that the next day I was pretty sure I saw the light.

And I was heading right for it.

Of course that was a day at work where there was a lot of talking and presenting and listening to important people talk and present.

I was panicked.

What if I make a fool out of myself

(excuse this next part...)

& what if vom during a meeting?

I would never get hired again.

So I did the only logical thing.

I started making deals with the big Dude upstairs.

I'm not a really religious person but I was that day.

I started bartering.

This is kind of how it went:

Hey God, it's me Jones...are you home?

Oh good I'm glad I could catch you before lunch.

So here's the thing.

I'm feeling a little ....hungover.

I was hoping you could maybe do me a solid and make it so that I don't do anything incredibly embarrassing during this meeting.

What's in it for you?

Oh well...I hadn't thought about that.

What if I promise to be ok with being single until I'm 29?

Wait no...28...

Ok 27.

Let's settle on 27.

I won't ask for you to point me in the direction of boyfriend material for 3 whole years.

Does that sound like a deal?

I guess it did because I made it through my day just fine.

Ok yes I did wear a sweatshirt over my dress when I was at my desk because I was cold and weak:

but It's a trend that I'm sure will sweep the nation.

The next day I started thinking...

I just promised 3 whole years of singlehood.

I mean granted it's not like I've had a whole lot of luck

24 years of being a party of 1 isn't so bad.

Ok not 24 whole years I wasn't trying to find myself a boyfriend when I was 3.

Although I did get married to a very nice boy in preschool.

We had the marriage annulled.

Our parents felt we were too young.

Luckily we did have a lovely honeymoon on the swing set so it wasn't a total bust.

Three years is what I promised.

Now I don't know if there a stipulations.

I also know I didn't sign a binding contract...so hopefully there are some loop holes.

Mainly because I want to be a girl on "Say Yes to the Dress" at some point before it goes off the air.

Here's why:

I feel like I would show what it's really like to try on a wedding dress.

These women have these touching moments with their mothers where they cry because they've found the perfect dress.

I know I'm going to cry with Barb but it's going to be because I'm sweating, crying about my lunch lady arms, and potentially because I need my inhaler.

True Life.

Barb assured me I would be beautiful but she also

thought that this was beautiful in 5th grade:

Yep. That's a mullet.

And yup that's a shirt of Daffy Duck driving a taxi.

I'm actually hoping that's the picture they show when they're doing my back story.

I also want to be on the show to meet Randy

(source)

I'm just hoping that the show is on in three years.

I want to be America's Sweaty Bridal Sweetheart.

Ne-Yo wrote a song about my life...

2011-08-10T14:45:00.001-04:00

You've probably heard it.

It's called "Beautiful Monster"

I say it's about me mainly because as we all know who I really am:

A monster.

Beautiful is up for debate when I take gems like these

For instance about a week ago I was driving the golf cart around campus for Orientation.

I was surprised how well I was doing.

I was navigating the streets of Filet and avoiding pedestrians.

While transporting a student on crutches to her next session I got literally got stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Ok not a literal rock. More like a tree and a bike rack.

I was with one of my OL's Steve:

(that's his Spanish soap opera face)

Steve was the passenger and told me I had room and to just gun it.

So I did.

Straight into a bike tire.

Which bent...

Like this:

Naturally the next thing for me to do was to back up and do the same thing again.

I started to panic while Steve laughed a little too hard beside me.

Don't forget there was a student in the back--unable to flee for safety.

What was I gonna do?

Leave the scene of the crime?

Pray to Oprah and all other things holy that no one saw me?

I'll never know if I would have the courage to haul out of there without being detected because the owner of the bike watched as the whole thing happened.

He came up and told me,

"Um...that's my bike."

To which I replied

"No it's not!"

Stephen assured me that it was.

I knew that I didn't call Nationwide for a situation like this, or 911 so I just took down his information and promised him a new tire instead.

As I drove away (finally...after being able to manuever my way out of the spot) I exclaimed to the student,

"DON'T TELL YOUR DAD."

Steve in the meantime had started to plot how he was going to tell the other 24 OLs what I had done.

15 minutes later I began getting text messages like:

"Remember that time you hit a bike."

"I heard you killed a student with the golf cart while he was riding his bike to class."

They tagged me in pictures of bent tires on Facebook and ask me if I did it.

They would see me driving and run out of the way and pretend to dive into bushes.

When I asked them to do something they told me they didn't feel comfortable working for someone who would hit a student with a vehicle and then drive away.

A bunch of comedians I tell ya.

I will never live it down.

Also Stephen (my victim) made sure that I wouldn't ditch out on my promise.

He arrived at our main office and reported me to the director.

Apparently he didn't believe me.

He was later seen break dancing up the street.

I saw him again with his repaired bike about a two weeks later.

He was standing next to it over looking the field where we were doing a program.

He was break dancing then too.

He's pretty good.

He moves pretty fast when he does it too so I'm surprised that he even needs a bike.

I can't park in Philly.

I can't drive in Philly.

Philly:2 - Jones:0

Don't blame the Honda...

2011-07-24T17:17:00.001-04:00

I love Philly.

I really do.

For some reason Philly does not like me.

Or rather they do not like my Honda.

I don't know why.

How could you hate a car with its very own mustache?

Somehow Philly has found it in its heart to seek out and ticket my car whenever possible.

I got my first ticket in the beginning of June and contested it.

I got my second ticket at the end of June and paid it.

Then two weeks ago at the doctors I was 5 mins late to the meter and boom: ticket.

Then yesterday at 2:19am I got my FOURTH parking ticket.

FOURTH.

They said I wasn't parked 15' from a fire hydrant.

To say I was raging against the machine would be an understatement.

I LOVE YOU PHILLY.

Why you gotta play me like that?

It has gotten so out of hand that when I call home Tim has started answering the phone,

"Philadelphia Parking Services"

to which I reply:

"Too soon Tim. Too soon."

It is bumming me out.

Barb told me I need to "lay off the tickets."

Trust me home girl.

I.am.trying.

In other news...

I am proud to introduce my new dog.

His name is Teddy.

He's about 5 years old and a labrodoodle.

Although he will never be Petey

He is still perfect for me.

I went to meet him today and here's how I knew it was true love:

1. The lady boarding him said he needed to go on a diet because after he eats his meal he samples from the other dogs' bowls. I let her know that he and I are a lot alike in that respect.

2. I fed him some hotdog and after he got his back scratched went and laid down and promptly fell asleep.

That is exactly what I do after every meal I eat as well.

What I'm trying to tell you all is that I found myself in dog form.

I go and pick him up on August 12th and take him back to Harrisonburg with me.

I think it'll be nice to be able to come home to that face everyday.

So although I'm sure my car is getting ticketed as I write this post, I have something to smile about.

A new buddy!

Weeeee!

In closing: If you know of a Philadelphia cop or meter cop or a mall cop at this point that is looking for a date let me know. I'm trying to holler at him so I can slide my tickets his direction after date #2.

(Yes I'll wait until the second date...I'm a lady after all.)

And I mean if he happens to fall in love with me then you know whatever.

If you need a picture reference of me for your meter male use this one:

Please & Thank you.